What about this gut
wrenching feeling, I just want to vomit!
You are beginning to
spiral, get a grip.
You’re going to be
just like her!
That’s it I can’t
take it anymore!!
{ above is my self talk}
I begin to weep……
I pace back and forth
do I burden anyone else with this pain, or do I carry it myself?
I decide to reach out
and people reach back. (Thank you Jesus!)
As I am talking to my
mother-in-love I say to her, “I know God is teaching me to lean, lean into Him,
but also to lean into the fellow Christians around me for support.”
As I hung up the
phone and the day went on this “Lean” word has really stuck to me.
She sent me an email
to remind me to L
E
A
N
Friends we are not
fighting this battle alone.
Don’t carry
the burden all by yourself.
And even more
importantly don’t be ashamed.
Everyone’s burdens
are different.
Some days are easy
and some days just plain out STINK!!
It was never meant to
be just your burden to carry.
Take the
load off and remind yourself today that He is a mighty good God.
He is ALWAYS in control—even when we can’t
feel it.
He loves you more than you can
ever imagine.
Please, please don’t
forget He has placed people who love you and want to be there for you in your
life to lean on.
Don’t do it alone.
Lay it down whatever
it is before Him and just LEAN.
Lean into Him, Lean
into a friend, just remember to LEAN
2 Corinthians 4:7-12
But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this
all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard
pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted,but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. We
always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus
may also be revealed in our body. For we who are alive are always
being given over to death for Jesus’ sake, so that his life may also be
revealed in our mortal body. So then, death is at work in us,
but life is at work in you.
Galatians 6:1-2
Brothers and sisters, if someone is caught in a sin, you who live
by the Spiritshould restore that person gently. But watch
yourselves, or you also may be tempted. Carry each other’s burdens, and in this
way you will fulfill the law of Christ.
Psalm 68:19
Praise be to the Lord, to God our Savior,
who daily bears our burdens.
I'd like to look in
the mirror, without hiding my eyes
I'd like to see what You see, why You think I'm qualified
To speak for You, O God, Most High
Who hides a baby in the reeds of a river, until he's grown?
Gives him a stage and the strength to deliver his people home?
'Cause I'm tongue tied, weak in the knees
Must be something You only see
If there's anything good
Anything that's good in me
Well, it must be You
Must be You
And if there's any part of my shaking heart
To see this journey through
It must be You
It must be You
Must be You
It must be You
Not gonna argue with fiery branches that speak my name
Not gonna start taking backward glances from where we came
'Cause tomorrow's holding our dreams
But today I'm here on my knees
O God of parting water
God of falling bread
If my words should falter
Will You speak instead?
You must see something good
You must see something true
It must be You
Let me just begin by
saying God never seizes to amaze me!!!
As I look back at the
journey He has taken me on and is still taking me through I am in awe of His
greatness.
As the lyrics to this
song say…
If there's anything
good
Anything that's good in me
Well, it must be You
Must be You
And if there's any part of my shaking heart
To see this journey through
It must be You
Yesterday morning I
received a message from my mom telling me she had been in an accident and she
would most likely be heading to treatment and that she was sorry.
In that very moment
it was hard for me to grasp what was happening but I knew I needed to pray.
The nurse connected
me to her room.
The voice on the
other end was weak and desperate.
“Mom what happened?”“I think you know”, she responded.
Unfortunately she was
right…. Heroin, accident, ICU and treatment.I could piece the rest together.
I still am not clear
on all the details.
What I knew was
this….
I have spent the last
few years giving my mom to Jesus and taking her back, then giving and taking
her back…. Ok maybe it has been the last 10 years!!
Lately I have had a
very heavy heart over our relationship.
Honestly I have been
grieving the loss of a mother.The
disappointment and anger has really reared its head and has been infecting my
heart.
The last conversation
I had with her before I got the news this morning did not end well.I was angry and hurt.I was disappointed and let down.
As I listened to her
voice on the other side of my phone I was in complete shock with how Jesus
transformed my heart that very second.
I heard Him whisper
to me, “Go tell her she is loved, embrace her, hug her for me please she needs
to know she is loved.”
I know this is
horrible, but please understand this is a humbled heart before you, the last
thing I wanted to do was go see my mom right at that moment.In my humanness I wanted to say to her, “WHAT
WERE YOU THINKING!!!!” and “WHY….WHY…WHY!!!!” and “IS THIS EVER GOING TO
END!!!”
I was angry, hurt,
sad, frustrated, worried along with many other feelings.
But I knew what I had
to do.
As I sat in the room
with her it wasn’t me that was speaking to her it was Jesus.I know that may sound extremely weird (it’s
even hard for me to wrap my head around!)But hear what I am saying here.
I wanted to look at
her and say, “look at what you have done to yourself!!!!!”
Instead I let Jesus be my words; He was
speaking through and for me.
I heard despair, He
spoke hope,
I heard guilt, He spoke truth.
In that very moment
instead of seeing my mom through my eyes, Jesus gave me a glimpse of the unending
love He has for her.
Not only for her but for you and I too!!
As I said goodbye I
prayed with her, then I gave her a big hug.As I was hugging her I imagined Jesus hugging her.
I didn’t want to let go.
I could feel how weak
she was, not just physically, but spiritually as well.
As I walked out she
commented on how she was concerned for someone in her life and she told me,
“Nicole he’s not as strong as you are”
I looked at her and I
said, “Mom, it’s not me its Jesus, without Him I am so weak”
I know somewhere in
her she understands.
If there's anything good
Anything that's good in me
Well, it must be You
Must be You
And if there's any part of my shaking heart
To see this journey through
It must be You
Lord it must be
you.
We can hold on to all
the anger and pain until it embitters our hearts.It is so easy and so often we neglect to see
it until it has already happened.
The moment we choose to see it through Jesus
eyes is when we can set it free to Him.
That moment is what happened
yesterday morning.He took my weak
spirit, a woman full of disappointment and anger, and he said, “Just be Me
Nicole, in your humanness this is to big, but it will NEVER be to big for me,
NEVER”
I don’t know what is
going to happen.
Life is full of
choices.
Do we go back to a
life of bondage, or finally surrender to the Holy One?
Mathew 11:28
Come to me, all you who are weary and
burdened, and I will give you rest.Take my yoke upon you and learn
from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your
soul.For my yoke is
easy and my burden is light.”
I cannot even begin to grasp the loneliness
and sadness that is penetrating my mother’s heart.The
fear and guilt that keeps her bound to this nasty addiction.
But I do know this we
serve a mighty God.
Omnipotent
Omnipresent
Omniscient
He knows every last thing about us.He breathed life into us.He knows the roads we walk to get to
Him.He knows the deepest valleys we
will face, He holds our Joy in His very hands.
He is simply asking for us to be His hands
and feet, to go where He wants to send us.He doesn’t say it is going to be easy; in fact most likely we will go
through the darkness before we can see His light fully.We may go through multiple dark times, but He
is always with us and He is always holding our hand.
Yesterday Jesus reminded me, He is my
strength in the darkest of times.
We can’t
do it without Him.
May today be the day we fall at His feet and
begin to see through His eyes the love He has for our broken sin filled hearts....
This is the song I have included in my post today. If you have time listen, it is beautiful!
This video is Casting Crowns song "Love them Like Jesus" A beautiful reminder to love like Him.
