I decided after my
last post to take a step back and take a break from blogging to process my
thoughts.
God has directed my
focus inward in ways I am only beginning to understand.
To help you understand
the purpose of this post I am going to share with you a glimpse into my
personal life and past…….
If you have been
following my blog at all and you read the post about my mom’s car accident, you
might have been able to piece together that she is an addict.
Her addiction really
got out of control in my teenage years, but she always struggled with some sort
of addiction since she was a young teenager.
I am only beginning to understand how growing
up in an addicted/dysfunctional home has affected me as an adult.
I have always fought
against addiction/alcoholism being a family addiction.
I wasn’t the one with the problem, she
was!
But guess what I am learning?
It really is a family
addiction, darn it.
If you are following
my posts you will recall the one I wrote about living in the deep.
Well I am still there
and I am learning why Jesus has called me there with Him…….
To break free of this
nasty generational sin and to know what it is like to live free of it.
It isn’t easy; in
fact when the anxiety sets in, and my feelings are triggered it is one of the
worst feelings and I freeze.
All logic goes out the window and I
panic.
I revert back to the
little girl inside that is crying out for HELP!
I will share more
with you eventually, but right now I feel I have to sit with Him and slowly
begin to let these past wounds heal.
Fast forward to now….
This past Thursday as
I was driving home by myself I was in deep thought about some childhood
memories.
These memories that I am
slowly beginning to work through are the not so fun ones.
As I was questioning
God on some of these past hurts and areas in my life that I never wished for or
wanted, I was starting to feel a lot of emotions building up.
The anxiety was creeping its way back in and
I was starting to feel like I just might be losing control.
I wanted nothing more than to cry, but I
couldn’t.
It just wouldn’t come
out.
It’s hard feeling emotions right now, because
a lot of them are bridging back to my childhood.
In that moment I
realized I was still listening to my daughters Veggie Tales CD (don’t make fun;
there are lots of great songs on there).
In all honesty I wasn’t even tuned in with
the music until that moment.
Right then
I thought, “what am I listening to this for!!”
So I turned on the
radio.
Let me just say, God
had me right where He needed me in that very moment.
The song on the radio
was this.
David Crowder Band
Never Let Go
When
clouds veil sun
and disaster comes
Oh, my soul
and disaster comes
Oh, my soul
Oh, my soul
When waters rise
And hope takes flight
Oh, my soul
Oh, my soul
Oh, my soul
Ever faithful
Ever true
You I know
You never let go
You never let go
You never let go
You never let go
When clouds brought rain
And disaster came
Oh, my soul
Oh, my soul
When waters rose
And hope had flown
Oh, my soul
Oh, my soul
Oh, my soul
Oh, my soul
Overflows
Oh, what love, oh, what love
Oh, my soul
Fills hope
Perfect love that never lets go
Oh, what love, oh, what love
Oh, what love, oh, what love
In joy and pain
In sun and rain
You’re the same
Oh, You never let go
In
that very moment I felt God speaking right into my hurt.
He
never let go Nicole
He
never let go of you
He
was with me in the darkest moments then and He is with me now, walking me
through them so I can finally heal.
I
really felt Him telling me, “Stop doubting me Nicole, I am here and I am not
letting go. Don’t be afraid to let these
wounds heal. It’s going to be scary for
you but I am here, and I am NOT LETTING GO OF YOU MY CHILD.
When
I say child, I literally mean child, He isn’t just holding me as an adult, He
is also holding onto the little girl that is grieving inside of me.
It
was such a release all I could do was weep.
As
the day was ending and my husband and I were lying in bed, He decided to share
a song with me that he had heard on his way to work.
It
was really random that he would share this type of song with me. I didn’t think to much into it at first until
I began to listen to the words.
As I
began to listen to the song I recognized it.
But
this time it took on such a new meaning.
Right then God spoke to me in the same way He spoke to me earlier in my
drive home.
He
was reminding me of His great power in all of the mess I am processing and feeling right now.
Plum
"Need You Now (How Many Times)"
Well,
everybody's got a story to tell
And everybody's got a wound to be healed
I want to believe there's beauty here
'Cause oh, I get so tired of holding on
I can't let go, I can't move on
I want to believe there's meaning here
How many times have you heard me cry out
"God please take this"?
How many times have you given me strength to
just keep breathing?
Oh I need you
God, I need you now.
Standing on a road I didn't plan
Wondering how I got to where I am
I'm trying to hear that still small voice
I'm trying to hear above the noise
How many times have you heard me cry out
"God please take this"?
How many times have you given me strength to
just keep breathing?
Oh I need you
God, I need you now.
Though I walk,
Though I walk through the shadows
And I, I am so afraid
Please stay, please stay right beside me
With every single step I take
How many times have you heard me cry out?
And how many times have you given me strength?
How many times have you heard me cry out
"God please take this"?
How many times have you given me strength to
just keep breathing?
Oh I need you
God, I need you now.
I need you now
oh I need you
God, I need you now.
I need you now
I need you now
And everybody's got a wound to be healed
I want to believe there's beauty here
'Cause oh, I get so tired of holding on
I can't let go, I can't move on
I want to believe there's meaning here
How many times have you heard me cry out
"God please take this"?
How many times have you given me strength to
just keep breathing?
Oh I need you
God, I need you now.
Standing on a road I didn't plan
Wondering how I got to where I am
I'm trying to hear that still small voice
I'm trying to hear above the noise
How many times have you heard me cry out
"God please take this"?
How many times have you given me strength to
just keep breathing?
Oh I need you
God, I need you now.
Though I walk,
Though I walk through the shadows
And I, I am so afraid
Please stay, please stay right beside me
With every single step I take
How many times have you heard me cry out?
And how many times have you given me strength?
How many times have you heard me cry out
"God please take this"?
How many times have you given me strength to
just keep breathing?
Oh I need you
God, I need you now.
I need you now
oh I need you
God, I need you now.
I need you now
I need you now
Oh
how I need Him, especially on the days when the pain is deep and He is giving
me the strength to just keep breathing…….
I
wanted to share this day with you.
Often I feel God speaking to me through
music. He gently reminds me of His truth
and I am so thankful for that.
Healing
is hard.
OK very hard
What
I am reminded of from this day is that there is freedom when we allow ourselves
to peel back the band aid that has been so tightly wrapped around our deepest
wounds, and we allow Jesus to breathe truth and light into the wound so we can
experience true healing.
There
might be a scar depending on how deep the wound is, but it doesn’t have to be a
bad thing.
The
scar can be a reminder that He walked us through it and we no longer have to
live back there.
We can
learn what it feels like to live for today.
He
loves you with an everlasting love. He
is always with you even when it really hurts and you feel like you are out of
control and are struggling to make sense of it all.
I can tell you it isn’t easy, for me it is
very scary at times, but there is healing and that is what He keeps reminding me.
Romans 8:35-39
(NIV)
“For your sake we face death all day long;
we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered.”
we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered.”
