Becoming fully known: A post on relationships

I recently had the chance to share some thoughts on friendship during our Wednesday night service.

It got me thinking about relationships in general.

What do some of your closest relationships look like?

When’s the last time you shared what is going on in your heart with someone close to you?  Told them about your deepest fears, your battle with doubt and how you’re trying to trust God but you are really struggling. 

I think about some of my relationships today and it breaks my heart because I would love to know the real person underneath the smile and small talk.  With these relationships I feel image drives my heart or their heart.  But then I have a few relationships in my life where I am able to drop the act and they can too.  We risk being known even if it hurts a bit.  And the risk is worth it.  It allows us to be fully known as much as we are capable of here on earth.

“A friend is someone who knows all about you and still loves you.”

       ― Elbert Hubbard

From the beginning we were created for connection.  God didn’t just leave Adam in the garden by himself; He gave him Eve and all the beauty that surrounded them.  He indented us to be in relation to one another.  We can’t thrive in isolation.  When we allow ourselves to become isolated from the people close to us it is easy to become discouraged and listen to the voice of Satan.  But when we surround ourselves with relationships and trusted communities we have people to lean into when we need encouragement and need to be reminded of truth.  We need healthy relationships to help us walk through the dark days, to strengthen and encourage us when the pain runs deep and the bumps and bruises of life feel all consuming. 

It isn’t always easy to be a friend.  Relationships get messy.  Feelings get hurt.

Let’s be honest our hearts are selfish and it is easy to get caught up in our own needs instead of the needs of others.

Before I get too far into this relationship topic I want to make sure of a few things.  First, our most important relationship is meant to be shared with Christ.  This is our most vulnerable relationship we have.  He knows those areas we don’t even want to know.  Next to that is our relationship with our spouse.  It trickles down from there with our friends, parents, children, and so forth.

Then the Lord God said, “It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him              

             -Genesis 2:18

If we were designed for connection then you would think this relationship stuff would be a breeze and all of our hearts would be filled with all these gooey feelings of joy and love and laughter and so on.

Some days my heart feels that way.

Other days it feels hurt and discouraged because someone I care about hurt me.

This relationship thing is messier than I thought.

Time gets in the way.  Many of us today rush from one thing to the next and are left with little time to connect one on one or in a group setting. We live in a world that forces us apart rather than bringing us together and it often takes a lot of energy to step back and remove ourselves from the business of everyday life and make space for our relationships to grow deeper.  It seems a whole lot easier to just push it away and say I will get to that later.

As our relationships get deeper it increases our vulnerability to one another. Many of us have been hurt a time or two and our hearts have become hardened because of those hurts. It is very easy to let this happen because we want to protect ourselves.  Our natural incline is to protect our heart. 

It can seem a lot easier to slap on that smile and pretend everything is beautiful and you got life figured out.  But vulnerability is a must in a trusted relationship it allows us to see a glimpse into each other’s heart. 

Since the beginning we all have been in hiding.  We hide from God and we hide from each other.  There are parts of ourselves we don’t want people to see.  We can wonder if they will still be there as a friend if they find out about that time we said that or we did this. Fear keeps us from becoming fully known in our most intimate relationships.

Technology advances has made connecting with one another easier. The downside is a lot of that connecting is not face to face and it makes it hard to see emotion.  It can often lead to false assumptions that can trickle into bitterness.

No wonder why relationships can get messy.

I am so thankful that Jesus models what a perfect relationship looks like.

He gives us his time, energy, grace, love and truth. 

He sacrificed His life for you and me.

He created appropriate boundaries in our relationship with Him to help us succeed in our relationships here on earth.  Jesus fills our hearts and He gives us one another to bring out the best in each other.

Jesus extends His grace and love out to us even though we are not worthy of it!  He reminds us of His truth when we fall, because left on our own our hearts are self-seeking. We need Jesus to guide us and encourage us to press forward in our relationships because when things get dicey and our hearts get hurt we want to run, not to each other, but far away. 

Just as Adam and Eve hid from God, we do the same thing in our relationship with Him and our relationships with each other.  Face it; it just seems easier to hide certain things doesn’t it?  They don’t care anyways and they probably have too much on their plate already.

When I start thinking this way I have to remind myself that God has placed these relationships in my life for a purpose and I was not meant to walk this life alone. 

I think I shared a while back that my husband and I started to see a counselor back in January.  This whole marriage counseling has brought us closer together than we have ever been. 

We have broken down walls and connected in ways I never thought was possible.

One day I sat next to him in our counselor’s office saying how sad it makes me to see so many relationships so disconnected {I was talking about marriages at the time}.  So many people passing by each other barely saying two words to one another and they are ok with it!!  I struggled to understand how people get so comfortable with each other they just lose the drive to continue to grow and stay connected.  Instead they grow apart and barley know what is going on in each others hearts….. Ugh it just frustrates me.  She then informed me of a sad statistic and I can’t remember the exact percent but it was something like 70-80% of couples wait till they already are considering divorce before they will seek help……seriously disgusting I know!  What happened to trying in our relationships!  It doesn’t just apply to our marriages but our friendships too.  Trying just becomes too hard so we move on to the next.

If Christ models a perfect relationship for us and we are created for connection then we should be able to figure this relationship thing out right? 

It’s hard. No really it is hard.  We get hurt.  We hide.  We become jealous.  We feel unloved.

Left on our own we will revert to what we know best: selfishness.

But when we allow ourselves to surrender and know we can’t be successful in our relationships without Christ’s love and grace poured out over us.  We then can see what a sacrificial relationship looks like.

For our relationships to continue to grow and continue in a healthy matter we need to allow some things:

We need truth.  

The godly give good advice to their friends; the wicked lead them astray.

                -Proverbs 12:26

We seek after truth in our relationships because we care about the growth of each other. We don’t say something truthful to hurt the other, which would be self seeking and wouldn’t help the other to grow.

God gives us His truth and we seek after it for our lives daily and He desires our relationships to be built on truth. 

I think back to a time when a very good friend of mine cared enough to say some hard words.  I was really struggling with a lot of anxiety and trying to work through some painful areas in my life by myself.  I was getting nowhere and my anxiety was starting to affect my daily life.  I was out to dinner with her and I couldn’t hold in my pain any longer.  I shared with her some fears and doubts that I had been experiencing.  I was really embarrassed about these feeling and I would have preferred my life not to look like this in that moment.  Once I shared these feelings and doubts with her it was sort of a relief.  She normalized a lot of it and said she had been there and she understood.  It was so nice because she validated my feelings.  But she not only did that, she also did something that may have been hard for her but she knew that it would be in my best interest and it was out of love.  She told me I should get help.  She said she thought it would be a good idea if I talked to a counselor.  It was really hard to hear that because at first it made me feel like I failed because I couldn’t solve it on my own.  But I knew she had my best interest in mind because she cared about me.  Sometimes it is a lot easier to make people feel good rather than providing them with true wisdom.  But with the story I just shared sometimes a friend can provide truth and it may be the very thing that God uses to catapult us into a deeper relationship with him and our friends.

When we avoid truth in our friendships our relating becomes artificial.  Marriages become desolate and dry.  Communities are left feeling cold and dark. 

We need to offer Grace:

People with good sense restrain their anger; they earn esteem by overlooking wrongs.

                -Proverbs 19:11

We can’t do grace without Jesus.  He graciously loves us despite our wrong doings.  He allows us to give this freely to one another.  This doesn’t mean taking advantage of one another, but being there during difficult situations, grieving with one another, encouraging each other, forgiving each other even when it hurts and it seems too hard to forgive.

For any relationship to move beyond the surface level we need to know it is going to be ok.  Ok to express issues we are facing, temptations, addictions, etc.

We need to be open to experience Vulnerability:  Share with a trusted friend a part of your heart you have been hiding.

There is nothing more powerful than a friend being honest and transparent.

The more vulnerable we become we are at a higher risk of becoming hurt.  This can make it hard for many of us.  Even Jesus friends betrayed Him, but He didn’t pull away and guard His heart.  He remained available to them. 

Know what serving each other looks like:  Find a way to meet a need.  We all have God inspired gifts that were given to us and our relationships are great ways to utilize these gifts!

Assume the best of one another:  Assumption is a dangerous thing.  It can lead the heart astray and bitterness will begin to brew when we make assumptions that are not built on truth.  Always assume the best of one another.  When in doubt don’t be afraid to ask and share your feelings.

Connection:  As I said before, we are created for connection.  If you struggle in this area it might be a good idea to take 15 min out of your day to connect with someone close to your heart.  With the fast pace lives we live it is never a bad idea to be proactive in this area.  Set aside time on the calendar,    that way when the dark days roll in you already have that time set aside.  Also be brave and join a small group or find a way to become connected in your community.

Create space and make time for relationship to grow and flourish.
But Jesus would withdraw to desolate places and pray.

                -Luke 5:16

Even Jesus took time to step away from His responsibilities to be spend time and be connected to God.

This may be one of the most difficult areas for most of us.  Many of us sprint from one thing to the next leaving little room to breathe.  Making space for God is most important, our time spent with Him is what strengthens us and encourages us to become available in our relationships – whether it be in our marriages, one on one time with friends or in a community setting.  If we constantly use the excuse that we are too busy and don’t have the time nothing will change, we will always be too busy.  We need to be proactive in this area.  Setting aside time for our relationships is so important.  Be intentional.

Relationships get messy.  Our feelings are messy.  Life is messy.  Don’t do it alone.  Find some trusted people so your messy can hang out with their messy.

Maybe it is your relationship with your spouse that has become so disconnected you don’t even know where to begin to start rebuilding.  What about that friend you have been thinking about but you can’t seem to find the time to pick up the phone and schedule a time to get together? Or your child that sits silently all alone waiting to hear from you.  The broken relationship with your parent that you know needs mending but it would require forgiveness and you are not ready to give that.

Relationships take work.  They require time.  We get hurt.  We feel pain.  We want to give up. 

But in our most vulnerable of moments is when we grow.  We sacrifice our needs for another and we are able to see and feel a way to love and be loved.  We become fully known.

To be loved but not known is comforting but superficial.  To be known and not loved is our greatest fear:  But to be fully known and truly loved is, well, a lot like being loved by God.  It liberates us from pretense, humbles us out of our self-righteousness, and fortifies us for any difficulty life can throw at us. 
             -Timothy Keller