Wednesday, March 13, 2013

When God calls us to face ourself, our "true self"



Romans 12:1-2

A Living Sacrifice

Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and proper worship.  Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.
 (Underlined portion is my own added emphasis)






I found my way back to my blog! 

I have been sorting through so much stuff in my mind and I just haven’t gotten around to putting it into words.

Romans 12:1-2 has been playing in my head over and over again this last month. 
I know God keeps leading me right back to this verse every time I start doubting or find myself reaching back to what feels safe.

“Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the RENEWING of your MIND.”

Wow what powerful words.

As I ponder on these words I am taken back by the truth that I was neglecting to see or hear when I looked at this verse.

Let me give you another glimpse into what God was and is and will forever be teaching me so you can better understand what I am talking about…..



Back in December is when I started to feel as if I was slowly losing myself.  I had a hard time making sense of my feelings.  I found myself trying to pick up all the broken pieces to put them together and I couldn’t.

As I started battling what was going on in my mind and the way I was feeling I would beg God to make me feel “normal” again.  I just wanted to go back to the way I felt when I seemed to have it all together.  My mind was anxious and I was having a hard time controlling it.  It just wasn’t a place of safe for me.

The feeling of second guessing everything, fear, panic, anxiety and just flat out questioning who God really was and is in the midst of all of this was not my idea of feeling safe!
And you know what; it was and is not a fun feeling, in fact I HATE it.

During this time is when a wise counselor pointed out to me Romans 12 and the fact that God doesn’t call us to find a place of safety and live there with Him forever.  He calls us to fight against worldly pattern and to continually renew our minds.

As I sat with this thought for a while I realized He was challenging me to change my way of thinking to a healthier way of thinking.  To break old habits, patterns that are of this world not of Him.

What I was slowly learning is He wasn’t calling me back to that feeling of “normal”, He was challenging me to work through these thoughts and the way my mind processes things so I could have a renewed way of thinking.

To sit with Him even though it hurt and it didn’t feel right.

He was beginning to show me the areas in my own mind and way of thinking that needed to be transformed.

In all honesty I didn’t even know the depth of pain and worldly pattern He was challenging me to break free from.

These habits and ways of thinking that formed as a small child. 

 As infants and children we learn to trust, bond, love ourselves, and form relationships.  We are little sponges taking in everything around us.

For me God was speaking into a place I tried so hard to forget about and conceal. A place I worked so hard not to repeat or be like.  But in truth I was in complete bondage and couldn’t even see it.

When we continue to just remain in a place of comfort with ourselves and God we can slowly begin to lose sight of our very self that holds us bondage to sinful natures and worldly patterns.

I found myself up against something I just wanted God to take away, not work through.   
I mean isn’t it just easier sometimes to say to Him, “Ok Lord I know this isn’t good so just make  it go away please so I can move on”.

I knew I could trust Him, but truthfully it was painful to walk through these dark areas and find truth in them and let myself experience raw emotion and truth together.

It is so easy to speak truth to someone else, but to really believe truth and then practice it in your own life in the midst of a storm is another thing!

Do you ever find yourself not wanting to face the feelings or truth of a situation or circumstance in your own life?

Whether you grew up in a functional home or dysfunctional home there is a story. 
 Somewhere in that story there is pain, disappointment, heartache, brokenness.  Areas we may unconsciously try to cover up or forget about, right?  

If we can be honest with ourselves I feel we can all answer yes.

Why? 

Well we are all a part of this thing we call life, and in life there is sin which creates all these things like, disappointments, pain, sadness, death, hurt, brokenness, and etc…

We may be able to hide the pain from our family, friends or even our own self, but God knows. 

He knows the very areas He wants to transform, and the patterns of this world He wants no more.

Even in the Christian community I feel there are so many people that hide their true self from each other.   
We become ashamed of our pain, or our thoughts.  If we love God we shouldn’t feel this way or act this way.  

We can become so superficial in our connections with each other and God!

Even with the people that are closest to us, we refuse to let them see our “true self”

In the book “Changes that Heal”, from Dr. Henry Cloud he talks about our “true self”.
 In order to be our true self both grace and truth is needed.  When we can let our true self come into relationship with God and others an incredible dynamic can be set in motion.  We can grow as God created us to grow when we can learn to confess who we truly are and identify our real state.  Problems begin to occur when the real self or true self, the one God created, begins hiding from God and others.  If we let our true self go into hiding then the false self begins to take over.  When the false self is present and relating to others and God, then grace and truth can no longer heal us.

What does the bible say about our false self?

1.      Our false self is conformed to this world.
Romans 12:2
 Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.

2.      The false self is who we tend to show to others as a front.
Ephesians 4:20-25
 That, however, is not the way of life you learned when you heard about Christ and were taught in him in accordance with the truth that is in Jesus.  You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds;  and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness. Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to your neighbor, for we are all members of one body.

We live in a world where there is a quick fix for almost everything.  
 Face it Satan wants nothing more for us to remain conformed to this world, its distorted ways of thinking and dealing.

We hid behind our smiles, pretend the pain isn’t there, or unconsciously refuse to face it.

I see this pattern in myself and so many around me. 

Satan wants us to believe this way of thinking is ok.

But what happens when God is calling you to transform your way of thinking?
 Or
Challenges you to break free from the patterns of this world?

Can we really do that with a quick fix or by pretending it isn’t there? 

Well that might offer temporary pleasure and relief, but does it really get dealt with and worked through? 

NO

I want that quick fix, and I want nothing more than to feel safe and secure with myself. 
I can find plenty of ways to give myself temporary fixes, even ones that are good for me!!

But is that what God is offering us, something temporary?
NO!!  
 
Healing and mending takes time.

 

In this portion of Psalms David is crying out to God asking Him to search out his own sin and reveal it to him, and even asking him to test his own thought pattern!

PSALMS 139: 23-24
Search me, God, and know my heart;
    test me and know my anxious thoughts.
 See if there is any offensive way in me,
    and lead me in the way everlasting.


If we are willing to let him bend us enough to break our own patterns that have been formed from living life and experiencing pains, hurts and disappointment, then we can begin to let our true self show and live in accordance to Gods will.
 

He can begin stripping us of this world and the patterns that can so easily entangle us and begin replacing it with His TRUTH and security.

Don’t let Satan keep you entangled in bondage that isn’t necessary. 

 
Hebrews 12:1
 Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us

Are you at a point in life where you find yourself going back to the same pattern of thinking?  Do you ever feel like you are battling the same things over and over again with a result that is only temporary?  Have you ever thought maybe God keeps bringing you back to that point to transform your mind?



He doesn’t say it is going to be easy or pain free, or that is will be fixed immediately, but He does tell us we are not alone and He will walk it with us if we let Him.

Psalm 23

 The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing.
    He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters,
    he refreshes my soul.
He guides me along the right paths
    for his name’s sake.
Even though I walk
    through the darkest valley,
I will fear no evil,
    for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
    they comfort me.

You prepare a table before me
    in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil;
    my cup overflows.
Surely your goodness and love will follow me
    all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the house of the Lord
    forever.




My prayer for all of us is that we will be willing to let God search our sinful nature, reveal truth into our darkness, be transform by a renewed way of thinking. 

He is at constant work in our lives especially in the midst of pain, struggle and disappointment.

Is your true self waiting…..?

Saturday, February 9, 2013

Healing the wounds of yesterday





I decided after my last post to take a step back and take a break from blogging to process my 
thoughts.
God has directed my focus inward in ways I am only beginning to understand. 


To help you understand the purpose of this post I am going to share with you a glimpse into my personal life and past…….
If you have been following my blog at all and you read the post about my mom’s car accident, you might have been able to piece together that she is an addict.
Her addiction really got out of control in my teenage years, but she always struggled with some sort of addiction since she was a young teenager.

 I am only beginning to understand how growing up in an addicted/dysfunctional home has affected me as an adult.

I have always fought against addiction/alcoholism being a family addiction.
  I wasn’t the one with the problem, she was!  
 But guess what I am learning?  

It really is a family addiction, darn it.  

If you are following my posts you will recall the one I wrote about living in the deep.  

Well I am still there and I am learning why Jesus has called me there with Him…….
To break free of this nasty generational sin and to know what it is like to live free of it.

It isn’t easy; in fact when the anxiety sets in, and my feelings are triggered it is one of the worst feelings and I freeze. 

 All logic goes out the window and I panic.  

I revert back to the little girl inside that is crying out for HELP!

I will share more with you eventually, but right now I feel I have to sit with Him and slowly begin to let these past wounds heal.


Fast forward to now….

This past Thursday as I was driving home by myself I was in deep thought about some childhood memories.   

These memories that I am slowly beginning to work through are the not so fun ones. 

As I was questioning God on some of these past hurts and areas in my life that I never wished for or wanted, I was starting to feel a lot of emotions building up.   
The anxiety was creeping its way back in and I was starting to feel like I just might be losing control.

 I wanted nothing more than to cry, but I couldn’t.  

It just wouldn’t come out.

 It’s hard feeling emotions right now, because a lot of them are bridging back to my childhood.

In that moment I realized I was still listening to my daughters Veggie Tales CD (don’t make fun; there are lots of great songs on there).  
 In all honesty I wasn’t even tuned in with the music until that moment. 
 Right then I thought, “what am I listening to this for!!”

So I turned on the radio.

Let me just say, God had me right where He needed me in that very moment.

The song on the radio was this.

David Crowder Band
Never Let Go

When clouds veil sun
and disaster comes
Oh, my soul

Oh, my soul
When waters rise
And hope takes flight
Oh, my soul
Oh, my soul
Oh, my soul

Ever faithful
Ever true
You I know
You never let go
You never let go
You never let go
You never let go

When clouds brought rain
And disaster came
Oh, my soul
Oh, my soul
When waters rose
And hope had flown
Oh, my soul
Oh, my soul
Oh, my soul

Oh, my soul
Overflows
Oh, what love, oh, what love
Oh, my soul
Fills hope
Perfect love that never lets go

Oh, what love, oh, what love
Oh, what love, oh, what love
In joy and pain
In sun and rain
You’re the same
Oh, You never let go

 


In that very moment I felt God speaking right into my hurt.

He never let go Nicole

He never let go of you

He was with me in the darkest moments then and He is with me now, walking me through them so I can finally heal.

I really felt Him telling me, “Stop doubting me Nicole, I am here and I am not letting go.  Don’t be afraid to let these wounds heal.  It’s going to be scary for you but I am here, and I am NOT LETTING GO OF YOU MY CHILD. 

When I say child, I literally mean child, He isn’t just holding me as an adult, He is also holding onto the little girl that is grieving inside of me.

It was such a release all I could do was weep. 

As the day was ending and my husband and I were lying in bed, He decided to share a song with me that he had heard on his way to work.

It was really random that he would share this type of song with me.  I didn’t think to much into it at first until I began to listen to the words.

As I began to listen to the song I recognized it.

But this time it took on such a new meaning.  Right then God spoke to me in the same way He spoke to me earlier in my drive home.

He was reminding me of His great power in all of the mess I am processing and feeling right now.



Plum

"Need You Now (How Many Times)"

Well, everybody's got a story to tell
And everybody's got a wound to be healed
I want to believe there's beauty here
'Cause oh, I get so tired of holding on
I can't let go, I can't move on
I want to believe there's meaning here

How many times have you heard me cry out
"God please take this"?
How many times have you given me strength to
just keep breathing?
Oh I need you
God, I need you now.

Standing on a road I didn't plan
Wondering how I got to where I am
I'm trying to hear that still small voice
I'm trying to hear above the noise

How many times have you heard me cry out
"God please take this"?
How many times have you given me strength to
just keep breathing?
Oh I need you
God, I need you now.

Though I walk,
Though I walk through the shadows
And I, I am so afraid
Please stay, please stay right beside me
With every single step I take

How many times have you heard me cry out?
And how many times have you given me strength?

How many times have you heard me cry out
"God please take this"?
How many times have you given me strength to
just keep breathing?
Oh I need you
God, I need you now.

I need you now
oh I need you
God, I need you now.
I need you now
I need you now 



Oh how I need Him, especially on the days when the pain is deep and He is giving me the strength to just keep breathing…….


I wanted to share this day with you.
 Often I feel God speaking to me through music.  He gently reminds me of His truth and I am so thankful for that.

Healing is hard. 
OK very hard

What I am reminded of from this day is that there is freedom when we allow ourselves to peel back the band aid that has been so tightly wrapped around our deepest wounds, and we allow Jesus to breathe truth and light into the wound so we can experience true healing.

There might be a scar depending on how deep the wound is, but it doesn’t have to be a bad thing.  

The scar can be a reminder that He walked us through it and we no longer have to live back there. 

We can learn what it feels like to live for today.

He loves you with an everlasting love.  He is always with you even when it really hurts and you feel like you are out of control and are struggling to make sense of it all.

 I can tell you it isn’t easy, for me it is very scary at times, but there is healing and that is what He keeps reminding me.


Romans 8:35-39

(NIV)

 Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword?  As it is written:
“For your sake we face death all day long;
    we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered.”
  No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers,  neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.