Hang on....

Mathew 11:28-29

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.

Do you ever have one of those weeks, maybe months, where you are just in a funk?

I do, and I hate to say it but they seem to happen more than I would like to admit!  

I have been thinking this last week on what I wanted to write about and my mind has been filled with many thoughts.  But for some reason the Holy Spirit keeps directing me to the words fear, redeemed, doubts, trust, control…..

I have always struggled with my thoughts and how I can let fear take over.  I know this is an area God has been working on in my life particularly for the last few years.  Just recently, after my daughter Elsa arrived, I have been feeling him working hard to get me to deal with some of my “issues” in this area all over again.  I don’t know about you but sometimes I am like, “Seriously Lord right now, can’t you pick a different time to have me work through this issue I am already a little overwhelmed here!”   He just never seems to want to work with my schedule. ; ).  I am so glad he can see the WHOLE picture, not just what I see in my mind.

I think my issue began when I was a little girl……

This need to make people around me happy.  Not only that but to set my own feelings and fears aside for others.  Maybe right now you are thinking, “Well Nicole that isn’t necessarily a bad thing”! I would say I agree to a certain point.   But you see for me it has been an area that has bogged me down.  

I became so focused on other people that it obstructed my view of myself.  My view of myself became distorted.  I started to believe that I had to be this happy person, that never lost control of their feelings or doubted things and if I did then there was something VERY wrong with me.  I never thought I was a person who needed approval, but it is amazing how Satan can whisper his lies right into your way of thinking and he can make you feel so miserable about yourself.

For a long time and still occasionally (ok maybe more than occasionally) I fall into this trap of thinking that now that I am a child of God and I walk with him, that I can’t screw up.  I have this “image” I need to live up to…. which is FALSE, FALSE, FALSE by the way.  But some weeks I am so beaten down by this I can barely stand it!

I just feel the weight of my fears, doubts, and failures weighing so heaving on my shoulders that I totally travel down this path of destructive thinking.  “If only I could have controlled my temper, had more patients, said something different….” or “What is wrong with you, how could you even think this way”.  It seriously can consume my thinking and I begin to think I am this horrible person and everyone else around me has it all together and they would never fall into this trap like I do.  

I have known what I am going to tell you next for a while but I am really beginning to see how powerful it can be. 
Satan knows those areas we hurt the most and he wants nothing more than for us to be tied down to them.  Let me give you an example.  For me it is my self-talk and things that haunt me from my past.  I can let it be so destructive when I am in that funk.  Satan knows and he thrives on that.  He thrives on knowing I am fearful and doubting everything I cross paths with when my mind goes there. 

If you know me at all you probably know I am a fixer and a slight control freak! 

Here lies the problem and solution.

  When I get in this funk, I begin to feel the need to fix it because I have to live up to this distorted image that I am not failing.  If it doesn’t get fixed then I let all my fears take over.  But here is the beauty in the struggle.  When I am in the midst of this struggle is when I feel God prompting me the most.  I feel him tugging at those areas I feel the need to control, those burdens that haunt me.  Each time he breaks me a little more.  He breaks me in a good way, a way that shows me that he is the ONLY one that is in control.  He whispers continually to me, “Nicole I don’t expect you to do it perfectly, I died for your sinful nature and I love you the same on your good days and bad days.”  That is a hard thing for me to grasp, he loves me the same, I don’t have to pretend I'm ok! 

  He loves us despite of our sin.   

The icky thoughts, destructive behavior, bad language, this list could go on and on couldn’t it?  He doesn’t want us to be bogged down or live in our sin.  

Hebrews 12:1-3

 Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.  Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart

He is calling us to let go of it.   

Don’t let it control you any longer. 

 Give it up with me. 

 It’s hard, believe me I know!!  But it doesn’t need to control you.  We serve a mighty big God that can see the mighty big picture.  Sometimes we have to make our way through some yuck to get to that mighty big picture.  He never said it was going to be easy, but he did say he would always be with us and see us through.

Isaiah 43:2

 When you pass through the waters,
    I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
    they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire,
    you will not be burned;
    the flames will not set you ablaze.

I encourage you if you are someone who can let your sinful nature bog you down. 

Let go with me.

Let go of the feeling of having to be this happy person who is never hurting. Let go of the self-talk. Let go of the fears, doubts and failures.

Let go and know that you aren’t always going to do it right.  Let the Holy Spirit live in you and through you and may he be your voice of truth through it all.  

We stumble and fall, but we have a God who comes along and sweeps us into his arms and whispers, “Hang on just a little bit longer, your almost there my love your almost there”

Until the day we see him face to face, hang on……

.

Your Story

John 16:33

“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”

Have you ever wanted your story to be different?

Or 

Have you ever wanted someone else's story?

I have!  

 Just maybe if that wouldn’t have happened the way it did then I wouldn’t struggle so much.

My thoughts can consume me some days.  I can let my fear cripple every part of me, I hate to admit it but I can hang on so tightly to past scars.

We can hang on to our story and battle with it till it absolutely controls everything about us.  Our thoughts can begin to consume us, until we let them slowly become our truth.

Some days I feel I am running on empty trying to make all the pieces of my story fit together.

We all have a story, and NONE of them are perfect!

I don’t know your story, and you don’t know mine.  But isn’t it so easy to glance at someone and think they have it so easy, or that they have it "all together"?  Think of that one person you would love to be more like.  If you could just have a little bit of them in your life maybe it wouldn’t be so hard, right?

Wrong!  We all have struggles, disappointments, and things that have happened to us that we never wished did.  Satan doesn't want you to know that though.  He wants you to feel alone in what ever you are struggling with.  He wants nothing more than for you to face it by yourself.

Our lives were never meant to be compared to each other. You were never intended to have someone else’s story.  Your story was designed specifically for you!  

Psalm 139:13-16

For you created my inmost being;
    you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
    your works are wonderful,
    I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you
    when I was made in the secret place,
    when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
Your eyes saw my unformed body;
    all the days ordained for me were written in your book
    before one of them came to be

God already knew your story before you ever took your first breath outside of you mother’s womb.  ALL of your days already written down before they even came to be.

Where in your story does it hurt?

Could it be as a child your innocence was taken away, or you strayed down a path of destructive behavior, or maybe you yearn for the one you lost, ____________(insert your hurt)

I encourage you to dig down deep to where that pain rests and ask yourself, “Do you believe God can heal your hurt?”   It can be so hard to let go of the hurt.  Some days it just seems easier to tuck it away deep down so no one, not even yourself can see it anymore.

God can see it.  He knows right where you hurt.  

I am here to tell you there is NO hurt he can’t heal or handle.  He is with you now, just as he was with you then and he will never leave your side.  I find such comfort in knowing he doesn’t want the person I strive to be, he wants the person I already am.   You see the truth is I will never be the person I strive to be, because God never intended that to be my story.  If he thought I could hold it all together and do it perfectly, he would have never died on that cross for me!

1 Corinthians 10:13

No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it.

I just love this verse.  He will provide a way out.  Nothing is impossible for him.  Did you hear me NOTHING.  So don’t let Satan fill you with his lies.  Be done letting him tell you that your hurt is who you are. Don’t let him convince you that you are the only one feeling this way.  It is false!

We all fight a battle!

1 Peter 5:8

Be alert and of sober mind.  Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour.

For me it will always be a battle, but I will not let Satan win.  Jesus has overcome evil and I am so thankful for that.  So I will continue to press forward knowing that there will be a day I will see my savior face to face…….

I WILL STAND

This past Sunday during worship I had the opportunity to hear this song…….

The Stand

Now I have heard this song before, but not like this.

I was taken away

The Stand lyrics

You stood before creation
Eternity in your hand
You spoke the earth into motion
My soul now to stand

You stood before my failure
And carried the cross for my shame
My sin weighed upon your shoulders
My soul now to stand

So what could I say?
And what could I do?
But offer this heart, Oh God
Completely to you

So I'll walk upon salvation
Your spirit alive in me
This life to declare your promise
My soul now to stand

So what could I say?
And what could I do?
But offer this heart, Oh God
Completely to you

I'll stand
With arms high and heart abandoned
In awe of the one who gave it all
I'll stand
My soul Lord to you surrendered
All I am is yours

It got me thinking about my walk with Jesus!

Is my heart abandoned to you lord?  How about my soul to you surrendered?

Am I all yours?

Do you have baggage? 

I have tried to cover mine up, pretend it isn’t there. If I keep telling myself it never happened maybe it will just go away!

Let me take you back to September of 2008….

My husband and I found out we were pregnant with our first baby!!!

 Not soon after finding out I knew something was wrong, the pain was not supposed to be there.  I didn’t want anyone to worry so I tried to hide the pain as long as I could.  Finally my husband said he was taking me to the E.R.

It was true, my baby was gone and the surgery would confirm that.  Tubal pregnancy was the end result.  I was devastated inside, my heart ached for something more. 

This couldn’t be it….

After months of trying to “hold it together”, I began to crumble from the inside out.  Every day I would wake up hoping the feeling I was experiencing would magically disappear at night.  Well, I continued to find out every morning it was still there.  

Emptiness and I couldn’t fix. 

 All these “things” I thought I had under control from my past began to resurface.

You see I am a fixer!!  And this feeling needed to go away so I could maintain who I thought I needed to be!

But this I couldn’t make go away on my own. 

I began to plea with God to make it go away.  “Why Lord, why me?”  “I love you and I don’t deserve this!”

I remember falling to my knees and sobbing to Jesus, “Help me”.  

2 Corinthians 12:9-10

(NIV)

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.  That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

Despite the pain I was feeling, I began to feel the Holy Spirit working in a way I had never felt before.  He began to teach me what the word surrender means.

“Nicole do you trust me?”  Yes lord I trust you!  “But do you trust me with your life right now, just how you are, frail and searching for something more?”  But Lord I don’t want to be this way.  “Nicole, will you walk with me even though your way isn’t my way?”  I think I can…...  “Then let go, don’t be afraid, I am there right by your side.”  But Lord, I feel like I am losing my mind!  People will really think I am losing it!  “It doesn’t matter what they think, just trust that I have your best interest in mind.”

Psalm 9:10

 (NIV)

 Those who know your name trust in you,

    for you, Lord, have never forsaken those who seek you.

Ok Lord, I am yours completely.

The dictionary defines surrender as, to give up completely, or to give oneself over to something.

Jesus began unraveling the Nicole I saw myself as, for the Nicole He knew me as.  Day by day I learned to surrender to Him.  

Proverbs 20:24

 (NIV)

 A person’s steps are directed by the Lord.   How then can anyone understand their own way?

Was it easy? 

Of course not, the enemy had control of some dark areas of my heart.  As His light began to shine in those dark places I wept.  I wept for everything I thought I was and everything I thought I needed to be.  All those lies I told myself, and believed.

I was beginning to see the beauty in the flawed areas of my life.  I began to see Jesus himself.

 He carried that cross for me!

Today I stand in awe of Jesus Christ.  For He is everything I will never be.

Thank you Lord for carrying my burdens on the cross.

Today I stand with arms high and heart abandoned, in awe of the one who gave it all, Lord all I am is yours

All I ever want to be is yours…..

Romans 8: 37-39

(NIV)

Now, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us.  For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Romans 8:28

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

Hebrews 4:14-16

(NIV)

 Therefore, since we have a great high priest who has ascended into heaven, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to the faith we profess. For we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet he did not sin.  Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.

Give Me Jesus!

Have you ever had that moment where you need to make a decision on what to believe?

 God’s truth or Satan’s lies?

I got a phone call today.  I was hopeful when I saw the name on my phone.  Maybe today will be different.  Maybe it won’t be the same.  I picked it up, listening to the person on the other end.   Nope all I heard was hurt, sadness, lies, blame, and sheer disappointment coming from the other end.  My heart ached.   

Why does it have to be this way Lord?  I didn’t ask for this.  This is such a thorn in my flesh.  What did I do to deserve this?

Have you ever felt that way about something in your life?

One day everything is moving along smoothly.  Then in a blink of an eye it can go right back to the lies that Satan fills you with...... shame, heartache, disappointment, fear. 

When will it break I ask God?  When will you change this and remove this thorn.  Some days it is just too much to bear.  

Take it away.

 Paul says in

2 Corinthians 12:7-10

 Therefore, in order to keep me from becoming conceited, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me.  Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me.  But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”  Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.  That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

Then He slows my thinking, all those anxious thoughts.  “Nicole, rest in me.”  “Stop trying to control the outcome.”  “Surrender to me and just let go.”   “It’s OK to be weak, let me make you strong!” 

It can be so hard to do this at times.  There is this battle in me, between Gods word and what Satan wants me to believe. 

What I am finding is God wants me to realize that rather than asking Him to remove the thorn.  I need to ask Him how I can use this thorn in my life for His purpose.  Lord it isn’t something I would have chosen, but You can make good of this!

Why do I fall back into my old way of thinking?  Why as soon as something rears its head back in I can go back to believing the lies.

Jesus says^:

 

John 16:33

 “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”

And there lies the beauty in it all.  Jesus has overcome the world.  

 Thank you Jesus!!

He overcame all my fears, failures, heartaches, and lies. 

 He calls me to surrender, to completely lose myself and just let go.

 Love it!!  

 I imagine letting go and falling backwards and knowing Jesus is ALWAYS going to catch me. 

 That is how I want to live.   

Totally undone and surrendered to my creator JESUS CHRIST.