Healing the wounds of yesterday

I decided after my last post to take a step back and take a break from blogging to process my 

thoughts.

God has directed my focus inward in ways I am only beginning to understand. 

To help you understand the purpose of this post I am going to share with you a glimpse into my personal life and past…….

If you have been following my blog at all and you read the post about my mom’s car accident, you might have been able to piece together that she is an addict.

Her addiction really got out of control in my teenage years, but she always struggled with some sort of addiction since she was a young teenager.

 I am only beginning to understand how growing up in an addicted/dysfunctional home has affected me as an adult.

I have always fought against addiction/alcoholism being a family addiction.

  I wasn’t the one with the problem, she was!  

 But guess what I am learning?  

It really is a family addiction, darn it.  

If you are following my posts you will recall the one I wrote about living in the deep.  

Well I am still there and I am learning why Jesus has called me there with Him…….

To break free of this nasty generational sin and to know what it is like to live free of it.

It isn’t easy; in fact when the anxiety sets in, and my feelings are triggered it is one of the worst feelings and I freeze. 

 All logic goes out the window and I panic.  

I revert back to the little girl inside that is crying out for HELP!

I will share more with you eventually, but right now I feel I have to sit with Him and slowly begin to let these past wounds heal.

Fast forward to now….

This past Thursday as I was driving home by myself I was in deep thought about some childhood memories.   

These memories that I am slowly beginning to work through are the not so fun ones. 

As I was questioning God on some of these past hurts and areas in my life that I never wished for or wanted, I was starting to feel a lot of emotions building up.   

The anxiety was creeping its way back in and I was starting to feel like I just might be losing control.

 I wanted nothing more than to cry, but I couldn’t.  

It just wouldn’t come out.

 It’s hard feeling emotions right now, because a lot of them are bridging back to my childhood.

In that moment I realized I was still listening to my daughters Veggie Tales CD (don’t make fun; there are lots of great songs on there).  

 In all honesty I wasn’t even tuned in with the music until that moment. 

 Right then I thought, “what am I listening to this for!!”

So I turned on the radio.

Let me just say, God had me right where He needed me in that very moment.

The song on the radio was this.

David Crowder Band

Never Let Go

When clouds veil sun
and disaster comes
Oh, my soul

Oh, my soul
When waters rise
And hope takes flight
Oh, my soul
Oh, my soul
Oh, my soul

Ever faithful
Ever true
You I know
You never let go
You never let go
You never let go
You never let go

When clouds brought rain
And disaster came
Oh, my soul
Oh, my soul
When waters rose
And hope had flown
Oh, my soul
Oh, my soul
Oh, my soul

Oh, my soul
Overflows
Oh, what love, oh, what love
Oh, my soul
Fills hope
Perfect love that never lets go

Oh, what love, oh, what love
Oh, what love, oh, what love
In joy and pain
In sun and rain
You’re the same
Oh, You never let go

 

In that very moment I felt God speaking right into my hurt.

He never let go Nicole

He never let go of you

He was with me in the darkest moments then and He is with me now, walking me through them so I can finally heal.

I really felt Him telling me, “Stop doubting me Nicole, I am here and I am not letting go.  Don’t be afraid to let these wounds heal.  It’s going to be scary for you but I am here, and I am NOT LETTING GO OF YOU MY CHILD. 

When I say child, I literally mean child, He isn’t just holding me as an adult, He is also holding onto the little girl that is grieving inside of me.

It was such a release all I could do was weep. 

As the day was ending and my husband and I were lying in bed, He decided to share a song with me that he had heard on his way to work.

It was really random that he would share this type of song with me.  I didn’t think to much into it at first until I began to listen to the words.

As I began to listen to the song I recognized it.

But this time it took on such a new meaning.  Right then God spoke to me in the same way He spoke to me earlier in my drive home.

He was reminding me of His great power in all of the mess I am processing and feeling right now.

Plum

"Need You Now (How Many Times)"

Well, everybody's got a story to tell
And everybody's got a wound to be healed
I want to believe there's beauty here
'Cause oh, I get so tired of holding on
I can't let go, I can't move on
I want to believe there's meaning here

How many times have you heard me cry out
"God please take this"?
How many times have you given me strength to
just keep breathing?
Oh I need you
God, I need you now.

Standing on a road I didn't plan
Wondering how I got to where I am
I'm trying to hear that still small voice
I'm trying to hear above the noise

How many times have you heard me cry out
"God please take this"?
How many times have you given me strength to
just keep breathing?
Oh I need you
God, I need you now.

Though I walk,
Though I walk through the shadows
And I, I am so afraid
Please stay, please stay right beside me
With every single step I take

How many times have you heard me cry out?
And how many times have you given me strength?

How many times have you heard me cry out
"God please take this"?
How many times have you given me strength to
just keep breathing?
Oh I need you
God, I need you now.

I need you now
oh I need you
God, I need you now.
I need you now
I need you now 

Oh how I need Him, especially on the days when the pain is deep and He is giving me the strength to just keep breathing…….

I wanted to share this day with you.

 Often I feel God speaking to me through music.  He gently reminds me of His truth and I am so thankful for that.

Healing is hard. 

OK very hard

What I am reminded of from this day is that there is freedom when we allow ourselves to peel back the band aid that has been so tightly wrapped around our deepest wounds, and we allow Jesus to breathe truth and light into the wound so we can experience true healing.

There might be a scar depending on how deep the wound is, but it doesn’t have to be a bad thing.  

The scar can be a reminder that He walked us through it and we no longer have to live back there. 

We can learn what it feels like to live for today.

He loves you with an everlasting love.  He is always with you even when it really hurts and you feel like you are out of control and are struggling to make sense of it all.

 I can tell you it isn’t easy, for me it is very scary at times, but there is healing and that is what He keeps reminding me.

Romans 8:35-39

(NIV)

 Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword?  As it is written:

“For your sake we face death all day long;
    we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered.”

  No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers,  neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Living in the "deep"

Matthew 14:22-33

 (NIV)

Jesus Walks on the Water

 Immediately Jesus made the disciples get into the boat and go on ahead of him to the other side, while he dismissed the crowd.  After he had dismissed them, he went up on a mountainside by himself to pray.  Later that night, he was there alone, and the boat was already a considerable distance from land, buffeted by the waves because the wind was against it.

 Shortly before dawn Jesus went out to them, walking on the lake. When the disciples saw him walking on the lake, they were terrified. “It’s a ghost,” they said, and cried out in fear.

 But Jesus immediately said to them: “Take courage!  It is I.  Don’t be afraid.”

 “Lord, if it’s you,” Peter replied, “tell me to come to you on the water.”

 “Come,” he said.

Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus.  But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and, beginning to sink, cried out, “Lord, save me!”

 Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. “You of little faith,” he said, “why did you doubt?”

And when they climbed into the boat, the wind died down.  Then those who were in the boat worshiped him, saying, “Truly you are the Son of God.”

This is a long post, so if you have a few minutes grab something to drink and settle into a comfy spot and follow me on this journey.

 If you have been following me at all or know me personally, you may have sensed that something has been stirring in my heart/mind.

Let me start by defining a few words.

Journey: act of traveling from one place to another

Growth: the process of growing or maturing physically, mentally, or spiritually

Refining: Remove impurities or unwanted elements from (a substance), typically as part of an industrial process.

Fear: An unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous, likely to cause pain, or a threat.

 Let me just say we are all on a journey.  

If you are a believer in Jesus Christ and want to follow Him, then I believe at some point in this journey, ok I take that back, at multiple points in this journey there are forks in the road where He is calling us to make a choice to follow and trust Him completely, or continue on trusting Him only in the areas that feel safe.

Let me just say this journey has been filled with beautiful blessings, areas of great growth and trust.

These past few months have had me so consumed by my own fears.

 Fear of so many things. 

Some I understand and others I can’t even begin to wrap my head around.

This journey we call life.

Have you ever heard of the Christian speaker and author Angie Smith? 

 Well she has some great stuff out there!

I was listening to a devotion by her not that long ago.

It was about living in the deep. 

 She explains how we can spend our life building sandcastles in the sand where it is safe. 

We begin to create safe places in our minds and our hearts.  

 But when something happens in life and we get carried out to the deep, where our feet are dangling and we want nothing more than to go back to the sandcastles where we feel safe.  

 Instead our feet continue to dangle and the wind stirs up the waves and we begin to panic.  

 It feels as if we just might be taken under. 

 She goes on to talk about how sometimes God is calling us to live right where you are in the deep.  The reason for that is because in the deep is where we can truly experience a trust for God.  

 To really let go and surrender.   

She ends the devotion by saying this….

Sometimes God says to us, “You need to move away from what is “safe” to really see me.”  If that means living in the deep for a period of time then don’t panic, instead choose to glorify Him while you are there!

I sat in my truck listening to this and tears began to stream down my face.  I could totally relate.   

She nailed exactly what I was feeling at that moment.

  It’s easy to surrender and trust when your feet are warm in the sand and the walls around your heart are just high enough to keep the bad out, isn’t it? 

 But not so easy when we are fighting for air in the deep and the waves are just about to overtake us!

It is then when you feel as if you have sunk and the waves have taken over.

The very walls we build around our hearts to protect ourselves, can be the very walls God wants to break down to free us from a life of “safe” to a surrendered life of trust in Him completely!

I say I trust God, and I do, believe me, I know with all my heart He wants the best for me and all those that seek Him.  But do I trust God when I am in the “deep” and He is breaking down my walls.  Let me tell you He is opening my eyes and showing me that I trust my fears/circumstances more than I trust His truth in the “deep”.

We live in a world that has been corrupted by sin.  

There is destruction and things to fear all around us, death, sickness, murder, natural disasters, divorce, mental illness, physical illness, our own self talk, addictions, hurts, pain, infertility, wayward children or parents, this list could continue and continue!!!

As a follower of Christ, we know that ALL things work to glorify our Savior, but Satan wants nothing more than to paralyze our body and consume us with our fears.  

In Mathew 14: 22-33 Peter steps out in faith and is walking on water, but as soon as the wind picks up he takes his eyes off Jesus and begins to focus on his circumstances around him.  In that very moment he begins to sink.  He cries out, “Lord save me”.  Just then Jesus reaches out and saves him, but not without saying, “You of little faith, why did you doubt”.

This has been playing in my head the last few weeks. 

 I know God has been placing it there so I could begin to see how my focus was shifting to circumstances rather than His face.

Are you in the deep right now?  

Perhaps your busy building sandcastles in the sand and your to busy to see He is calling you into the deep. 

 Either way I encourage you to live right where He wants you.

For me it has been in the deep. 

 So deep that I thought I was losing sight of my sweet Saviors face, but as I began to sink and gasp for air I reached up to find His hand had been reaching for mine the whole time.  I was to busy looking at the circumstances to see it though!

When we are in the deep, that is when Jesus is calling us to step out and remain focused on Him.  But so often we do exactly what Peter did and we begin to focus on the circumstances that are around us.

For me my circumstances are fear of losing control, letting Him break down walls that I built my life around (protection), watching my mom spiral out of control due to addiction (and realizing I am powerless and I can’t fix it for her), beginning to question why I ever thought it was all about me!!!!!  

I was reaching for Jesus to fix these problems the way I saw Him fixing them, even though I thought I was trusting Him completely, I was reaching out because of the fear that controlled my heart.  

If I remained in Him then I wouldn’t have to face these fears, I could just give them to him, right?  Well yes in some ways, but friends we still need to deal with it!!  

We can only suppress feelings so long until they began to control us.

As Beth Moore says, “You need to deal with your stuff, otherwise your stuff deals with you”!!

Boy she nailed that one

What could your circumstances be?   

Where in your heart do you have walls?

Where in your deep is He calling you to trust Him completely?

Or

Is He calling you to step out of living in the “safe” so you can really experience the life He has designed for you?

Friends this life is hard,  but if we continue to build our sandcastles in the sand where it is warm and safe, we may never know the need we have for our Savior and the complete love our Savior has for us out there in the deep.  

We NEED Him. 

 There is nothing we can do to be closer to Him

.  We don’t need to prove to Him that we can handle this life. 

 The fact is, we can’t handle this life without completely trusting Him in every circumstance we face.

Just ask Him, He will show you the areas you haven’t surrendered to Him yet. 

Remember as He begins to break down the walls of our hearts, He is helping us to face some dark areas.  

 He doesn’t say it will be easy.

Coming from experience it is hard and it can be an area filled with lots of questions. 

 It is an area where the lies we have built certain beliefs around collide with His truth and only one can win.

His Truth, but we have to be willing to let it win.

Friends it is easy to live a life of safe, but there may come a point when He says to you, “It is time to follow me into the deep”.

 Let Him take you there and as He begins to work on breaking down the walls of your heart and the waves begin to overtake you, take a deep breath, and when you feel like you have just went under, look up to see His sweet face. 

Reach up and take hold of our promise and breath.

Don’t run back to where it feels “safe”. 

Let Him be your light and truth when the “deep” feels dark and unsafe.

We can live our life questioning or we can live a life fully alive and trusting!

Make a choice with me to live fully alive in Christ my dear friend......

Thank you lord for this beautiful life!

Psalms 16:5-8

 Lord, you alone are my portion and my cup;
    you make my lot secure. The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places;
    surely I have a delightful inheritance. 

 I will praise the Lord, who counsels me;
    even at night my heart instructs me.

I keep my eyes always on the Lord.
    With him at my right hand, I will not be shaken.

 

Just Lean

Ok Nicole you can do this.

Don’t let it get to you.

Be strong.

What about this gut wrenching feeling, I just want to vomit!

You are beginning to spiral, get a grip.

You’re going to be just like her!

That’s it I can’t take it anymore!!

 { above is my self talk}

I begin to weep……

I pace back and forth do I burden anyone else with this pain, or do I carry it myself?

I decide to reach out and people reach back. (Thank you Jesus!)

As I am talking to my mother-in-love I say to her, “I know God is teaching me to lean, lean into Him, but also to lean into the fellow Christians around me for support.”

As I hung up the phone and the day went on this “Lean” word has really stuck to me.

She sent me an email to remind me to L

                                                                E

                                                                      A  

                                                                        N

Friends we are not fighting this battle alone.  

 Don’t carry the burden all by yourself.

And even more importantly don’t be ashamed.

Everyone’s burdens are different.

Some days are easy and some days just plain out STINK!!

It was never meant to be just your burden to carry.   

Take the load off and remind yourself today that He is a mighty good God. 

 He is ALWAYS in control—even when we can’t feel it. 

 He loves you more than you can ever imagine.

Please, please don’t forget He has placed people who love you and want to be there for you in your life to lean on.

Don’t do it alone.  

Lay it down whatever it is before Him and just LEAN.

Lean into Him, Lean into a friend, just remember to LEAN

2 Corinthians 4:7-12

But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us.  We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed.  We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body.  For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus’ sake, so that his life may also be revealed in our mortal body.  So then, death is at work in us, but life is at work in you.

Galatians 6:1-2

 Brothers and sisters, if someone is caught in a sin, you who live by the Spirit should restore that person gently. But watch yourselves, or you also may be tempted. Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.

Psalm 68:19

Praise be to the Lord, to God our Savior,
    who daily bears our burdens.