Chasing after safe

I was chasing healing when I'd been made well
I was fighting battles when You conquered hell
Living free but from a prison cell
Lord, I lay it down today

So I'll stop living off of how I feel
And start standing on Your truth revealed
Jesus is my strength, my shield
And He will never fail me

~Casting Crowns~ All you ever wanted 

Driving home this evening I was having a conversation with myself about how God is revealing Himself to me.  Hmm maybe I will sound a lot more spiritual if I say I was having a conversation with God…. that sounds better.

It went something like this, “Maybe I  continually come to this point because God is showing me the areas that I struggle to completely surrender to Him?”

I just want to be “fixed”.  I want God to see that I have finally reached that place in my head where I no longer struggle with all that muck that has plagued me for some time now.

Fixed in my mind has this warped image of some awful form of perfection.  Ah the evil word perfection. 

I long to be what I feel everyone else is.  Baggage free, pure hearts, perfect moms, humbled wives, no fears, surrendered hearts, ah my list could go on and on.

  When my mind is in a healthy place I laugh at myself because I know how unrealistic my thought process is but when I am triggered and my mind begins to wander down this path of self-destruction I begin to feel paralyzed with these awful fears and tendencies to want to control aspects beyond my control.

God reveals to me that I am still desperately trying to hold tight and He continually reveals Himself in this struggle.

But I just want to be fixed.  Why is there this relentless struggle in my heart and mind?  If I am doing it right this shouldn’t happen because I should be fixed.  And if I am fixed He will love me more and I will have a special place in His heart.

Doesn’t the word safe just make you feel good?

 Somewhere inside I just want this reassurance that everything will be ok. 

These horrible thoughts won’t overtake me and make me crazy.  My girls will never experience the pain I did.  I won’t die young.

 I want this guarantee of safety that I will not find on this side of heaven. 

God is in constant pursue of every area of our hearts.  He wants nothing more than for us to be growing and pressing forward.  I find myself running back to this scripture to remind myself to never become to comfortable and numb for growth.

Romans 12:1-2

~the message~

 So here’s what I want you to do, God helping you: Take your everyday, ordinary life—your sleeping, eating, going-to-work, and walking-around life—and place it before God as an offering. Embracing what God does for you is the best thing you can do for him. Don’t become so well-adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking. Instead, fix your attention on God. You’ll be changed from the inside out. Readily recognize what he wants from you, and quickly respond to it. Unlike the culture around you, always dragging you down to its level of immaturity, God brings the best out of you, develops well-formed maturity in you.

I laugh at myself sometimes when I think about how I pray to be stripped of my bondage and for God to reveal Himself and help me to move forward.  But yet when He does I want to retreat back to where I feel safe!

My husband and I were talking while we were traveling home this past weekend.  My heart was troubled and I was searching for a safe place to land.  He said something that spoke into my anxious heart.  I was sharing with him my need to want to control and how my feelings were making me feel unsafe.   I know where this struggle stems from but I just wish it would go away and I didn’t have to struggle with it anymore.  I just want these fears to go away.  After sharing some more he said this to me, “Nicole you are just a fragment of Gods story and He is going to use it to better His kingdom no matter what.  Even if something really horrible happens He knows and He loves you.  But you have to trust Him and know that He is in control.   He knows why you went through what you have gone through and why you struggle with this.  He knows that you are going to use it to better His kingdom.”  That man of mine has special ways to calm my anxious heart.

Isn’t that the truth though?  He knows even before we walk through it.  He hears our prayers for healing and restoration,  for safety over our lives and our children’s lives.   

But friends, there is pain on this side of heaven.  

 There is no perfect, no way we can control the outcome every time.  We are not guaranteed a pain free life.  But we have a loving Father who walks with us EVERY step of the way encouraging us to hand over pieces of our hearts to him that have been wounded, stripped of all hope, lost along the way, beaten and bruised, used and abused, and left searching for something unattainable here on earth.

But we can attain an honest and real relationship with Him.

He has only ever wanted my heart.  Not the fixed version I am constantly trying to offer Him.  But He wants the anxious, fearful, control freak I really am.  It is then He can begin to heal and help me die to my old self and be made new!

 He isn’t looking to fix you He is looking to help heal you.  And if you are human like me{I am assuming you are} we won’t be completely healed until we meet Him.  But we make progress on this side of heaven.

I’m learning that I am a constant work in progress.  I never want to become so numb to my pain that I am afraid to change and move closer to God.  I am so thankful to serve a God that loves me through my worst fears and seeks me out in the midst of my trials.

The reason we experience little transformation is because we have equated numbness with contentment.  But living a numb life only prevents us from becoming the people God longs us to be.

~Beyond Ordinary : when a good marriage just isn't good enough~ Justin and Trisha Davis

Pursuing honest relationships built around who we really are.....

Not long ago I was given a chance to go to the Mops Conference in Kansas City. 

 The theme for this conference was “A Beautiful Mess: Embracing your story”. 

I have been reflecting on how God was speaking into my heart that weekend.  There were some fabulous speakers but the one that stands out the most to me was a couple by the name of Justin and Trisha Davis who spoke about their marriage testimony.

It didn’t just speak into my relationship with my husband, but it also spoke into my relationships with my friends and family.

They were raw and real and my heart had been craving this kind of truth.

Do you ever get tired of pretending or faking through life?

Talking to people you love and care about but desiring to hear something real come from their mouth. Something more than what they are pretending to be.

Something is stirring in my heart. 

I’m craving real relationships with the people around me.

I am longing to be accepted for who I really am and get to know the person you hide behind.

There is one thing that continues to stand out to me from the class I took with Justin and Trisha Davis and it is this:

“Truth-telling is the pathway to becoming fully known.  We call that intimacy.” “Pursue truth; it may make you miserable at first.”

As I returned home from the conference to my beautiful family I was feeling inspired and refreshed. 

I talked to my husband on how this comment really spoke to me. 

It’s weird how it can happen, but after 7 years of marriage we were beginning to fall away from each other and we both felt it but we couldn’t figure out how to fix it. 

We desired truth from each other but it was truth we were holding from each other. 

The weeks following the conference were the hardest weeks our marriage has faced thus far.  We were hurting each other and it was beginning to break our oneness.  It is easy to want to pretend it isn’t there or put a band aid over the wounds and expect them to heal overnight; that is what we had been doing for years, but we knew that just wouldn’t work anymore.  The time had come where we had to look at each other and face the fact that we have deeply hurt each other and lost the connection that God desires for us.  We had lost the truth amidst the many lies we were telling ourselves and telling each other.

Both of our visions that we had for our marriages were gone.

Somewhere along the way they collided with the reality of life and what was left was a wall around areas of our hearts, feelings of disrespect and hurt and a yearning to be loved deeper.

{People are so much better at medicating symptoms of their marriage issues than at diagnosing and treating the root causes of marriage problems.  We work on communicating better.  We read books on anger management.  We try to understand love languages.  We listen to sermons on marriage.  We go to marriage conferences.  We try to wipe away all that is visibly wrong and fail to go deeper into the heart of our relationships.  Yet we experience only incremental, inconsistent improvements in our marriages.
And we do the same thing with our relationship with God.  So often, we would rather have God medicate the pain in our hearts than do what it takes to bring complete healing to us.  So we learn to live with spiritual illness while looking for ways to make ourselves feel better.  We go to church.  We sing the songs.  We pray the prayers.  We join small groups or Sunday school classes.  We may even give regularly.  Yet we experience only incremental, inconsistent growth in our relationship with God.  We do a lot; we just change very little.}

Beyond Ordinary ~ Justin and Trisha Davis

How do you begin to rebuild?

Well you can take the way that feels easiest: retreat back to what feels safe and remain the same till the next argument begins to stir up the deeper wounds that have been left infected.  Or we catapult into the new and unknown with each other.  Letting God breathe new life into our hearts and learn to love in new ways and to experience truth like never before.

Seeking out the truth that rests in our hearts and sharing it with our spouse {or friend/family member}.  Laying out the layers of our hearts so we can move forward and begin to heal and no longer remain infected.

It breaks me to know there are always going to be people who for some reason or another remain infected.  The truth is VERY painful to face at times.  Denial is everywhere and it will not go away without making it.

  Before we can begin to pursue truth-telling with others we need to be able to live in truth with ourselves.

Relationships can be messy and hard. 

Whether it is in your marriage, a friendship or relating with a family member, we desire to connect to one another. 

There are some relationships that will always remain on the surface.  And that is ok.  I have respect for the people that want to stay there.

  But what about the ones that were meant for something more.

Something beyond what we want to believe to be true about ourselves.

I don’t know about you but I am craving more relationships like this.  

Something beyond superficial.

.

Raw truth

Painfully honest and encouraging all in one.

Relating in new ways beyond image into the reality that we are all a broken people looking for safe places to share our story with one another and offering each other the connections we were created for.

God desires this from us.

 He is a safe place to start.

 He desires to connect with you.

 Not just the person you want to be, but the bruised and used, broken and beautiful, hurting and seeking part of you too.

 Let the walls fall around your heart and collapse into the arms of a Savior who never lets go and is always there and desires to connect with every part of you.

From there don’t be afraid of yourself. 

Figure out the truth that rests deep in your heart and share your story with someone that cares deeply about you.

  You might be surprised.

It just might be something beautiful.

You may even see that even their life is beautifully messy.

Embrace your story and embrace connecting with one another in deeper ways.

If I could encourage you in any way it would be this:  Seek out the areas God is calling you to face and face them.  It is scary and painful and the process is kind of ugly but it is absolutely beautiful on the other side.  Become comfortable with who you really are and love that person.  Begin building real relationships and you will begin to see God at work before your very eyes.

It is a beautiful thing…I promise!

Ephesians 4:25 

 ~The Message

  What this adds up to, then, is this: no more lies, no more pretense. Tell your neighbor the truth. In Christ’s body we’re all connected to each other, after all. When you lie to others, you end up lying to yourself.

If you are interested in learning more about this couple I shared with you in this post here is there website: http://refineus.org/

 They also have a book that I am in the middle of reading it is called, “Beyond Ordinary”.

Check them out!!

A transparent kind of love

But would it set me free
If I dared to let you see
The truth behind the person
That you imagine me to be

Would your arms be open
Or would you walk away
Would the love of Jesus
Be enough to make you stay

Casting Crowns~ Stained Glass Masquerade 

 

First off I don’t claim to have the right answer, nor do I know what the right answer is. The day will come and I will meet Jesus and all the questions and doubts will become known.

  What I do know is this:

 I love God, God loves me.  He has given me a choice in this life, some days I make good choices but many times I make the wrong choice.  There are many questions that will remain unanswered until I meet Him face to face {but will it even matter then}. We are ALL allowed to have an opinion.

With that being said something has been lying on my heart for some time now.

{Freedom of choice}

I have been reading and studying this parenting book called, “Parenting with Love and Logic, by Foster Cline and Jim Fay. 

 It is teaching me a lot about myself and my girls.

As I began taking a closer look at who I am and how I loved and parented my girls I realized my need to control situations was beginning to be detrimental to the way the girls felt loved.  Instead of letting them make mistakes and figure things out for themselves I was doing it for them and beginning to mold them into a little version of me rather than letting them be who they are and having a voice.

(Obviously they're  3 and 1 so there are some limits and boundaries that my husband and I have put in place at this point in their life.  But at some point they will grow up and realize that we have zero control over them.)

I found myself demanding things out of them instead of giving them a choice.

  It wasn’t until I took a step back and looked at the way I was reacting in certain situations that I was able to see how destructive I was becoming.

I want my girls to know they are loved just the way they are, not for the way I want them to be.  That no matter who they become or what they choose they are still loved.  I may not agree with there choice, but I dont want that to determine how I love them.

The sad fact is I was beginning to portray this sick image of a performance kind of love.  

 Of course I love my girls ALL the time, but I found myself showing them that when they behaved the way I wanted them to I loved them even more.

How selfish and close minded!!

I started to recognize it in the way I was relating to my husband, mom, and other close friendships too. 

 I wanted them to love the way I loved, feel the way I felt, and believe the way I believed.   My way was the right way and if they couldn’t see that then they had the problem not me. 

{Honestly I can still find myself trapped in this mindset, but I am grateful that I can see the lie in this way of thinking}

How does God love me?
{Unconditionally thanks to Jesus}

Does He demand me to be a certain way or does He give me the freedom to believe?
{Freedom}

Does He love me despite my constant need to sin and reject His truth?
{Yes}

Am I really loved just where I am or do I need to perform for Him?
{I am REALLY loved right where I am}

The church is made up of Gods people. 

Broken

Seeking truth

Sinful

Hurting

Selfish

Loving

In desperate need to be loved

Flawed

Genesis 1: 27-31

So God created mankind in his own image,
    in the image of God he created them;
    male and female he created them.

God blessed them and said to them, “Be fruitful and increase in number; fill the earth and subdue it. Rule over the fish in the sea and the birds in the sky and over every living creature that moves on the ground.”

Then God said, “I give you every seed-bearing plant on the face of the whole earth and every tree that has fruit with seed in it. They will be yours for food.  And to all the beasts of the earth and all the birds in the sky and all the creatures that move along the ground—everything that has the breath of life in it—I give every green plant for food.” And it was so.

 God saw all that he had made, and it was very good. And there was evening, and there was morning—the sixth day.

 Thus the heavens and the earth were completed in all their vast array.

I love knowing that before the fall earth was made perfect. 

 It was complete just as God saw fit.

Beauty radiated from His creation.
This was our home.

I long for this beauty again. 

No shame

Acceptance

No sin

Just beauty

From the beginning we were presented with {Choice}.

God could have protected Adam and Eve and chose for them, but He didn’t. 

 He let them decide for themselves and they chose sin.

So if we believe in God’s Word and Truth then aren’t we all a part of the fall and sinful creatures?

Why is it that we as the church have justified certain sin and rejected others for their sin?

I see a lot of self seeking people at the church I belong to.
I walk by divorcee people every Sunday.  I hear the lies we whisper to each other over coffee.  The gossip about that friend that isn't there. 
  I hear lies whispered quietly.
I disrespect my husband almost daily with my words.
I judge people daily.
I believe God still loves us and we are welcome in the church.

What about the struggling christian homosexual who just wants a place to feel loved and needed, the strung out drug addict who just shot up to block the pain that is too hard to face sober.
The teenager who is struggling because they wanted nothing more than to be pure for marriage but they are now carrying life within their body.

Where do they turn.
Is the church a safe place for them to be heard or are we too busy telling them that there sin is unreachable.
Are we telling them they are unclean and can no longer be loved by our God.

1 Timothy 1:8-11

We know that the law is good if one uses it properly. We also know that the law is made not for the righteous but for lawbreakers and rebels, the ungodly and sinful, the unholy and irreligious, for those who kill their fathers or mothers, for murderers,  for the sexually immoral, for those practicing homosexuality, for slave traders and liars and perjurers—and for whatever else is contrary to the sound doctrine  that conforms to the gospel concerning the glory of the blessed God, which he entrusted to me.

I feel like the church is very good at preaching Gods unfailing love for ALL, yet rejecting the people that need to be loved the most.

Why is this?

When did God’s people become so good at judging others when the only person we should be judging is ourselves?

Romans 2:1

 You, therefore, have no excuse, you who pass judgment on someone else, for at whatever point you judge another, you are condemning yourself, because you who pass judgment do the same things.

Yes we are supposed to speak truth and stand firm on His truth, but does that mean we should be telling people they don't belong just because they are different?

  We are a nation crying out for truth yet when all we are doing is pointing fingers and condemning others, it is only human nature to want to rebel against it.

Truth + No Love = Rebellion

Grace + No Truth = No Boundaries/Limits {Lost}  

 

Take a child for instance, when you demand them to do it your way and make threats, usually they will rebel or do it out of fear.  But if you offer them a choice in the matter you usually get a better response.  

 We all desire to have a voice and want that voice to be heard.

He has put certain limits and boundaries in place and He hopes we would live a life within these limits, but ultimately doesn’t He give us the choice to live this way or choice another path?

Aren’t we all given {choices} not demands?

I don’t serve a God of demands I serve a God of love and freedom.

I serve a God who allows me to make mistakes and learn from the consequences of my own actions.

My God rescues me from the pit of despair when my judgment is clouded but lets me reap the consequences that put me there.

My God gives me a {choice} to believe Him or reject Him.

Even as a believer who fights for truth I still reject Him.  Not proud of that but it is a part of my fallen nature.

We all long to be loved and accepted it is the way He created us. 

To be able to seek the truth but feel loved questioning the tough stuff. 

I want my people {the church} to stop professing the truth and begin demonstrating and living the truth!

Love the rejected and hurting.

Can we the church stop pointing fingers and instead open up the doors and not be afraid to allow people to question and doubt.
 

 Stand on truth but bleed love and mercy.

Begin letting people choose for themselves knowing that it is their right and even if they don't make a choice that you agree with it is going to be OK because God has already won.

 I stand for His truth and I want everybody reading this to know God loves you right where you are and He is a God of broken people, but it is your choice to believe that or something different.

Will you reject me if I tell you I have doubts? 

Questions that have been left unanswered.

 Even in my desperate search to seek the truth in His word I can be left feeling confused. 
I fail constantly.

 One scripture saying it is wrong, while another says it isn’t my place to judge.  

 Even Gods word can seem to contradict itself at times.

Romans 12:2

Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is--his good, pleasing and perfect will.

Even in my doubting I want to know that I am seeking after His face.   I want to know that even if I don’t have the answer He still loves me.  I want to be able to allow my mind to move beyond its patterned and self-seeking thinking.

I hate to break it to you but not everyone loves God. 

 There are many out there that reject His truth. 

So why does the church hold unbelievers to the same standard as believers? 

Of course I would love for everyone to believe that Jesus Christ is the truth and the way and to live a life that mirrors His word but it isn't going to happen.  We are not meant for that life here anymore.
We made the fall long ago and we will not see that kind of love and truth until Jesus returns.
I have come to a place where I know it is all going to be OK in the end.

He will reign over ALL

What would happen if we stopped pointing fingers and instead we began mirroring the love He has shown us.

I want His love to be transparent in my life.

 

I want to know His truth for myself but demonstrate His love to others.

I want to live in a place where both grace and truth rule. 

 Not one more than the other but a place where I can feel comfortable believing and speaking Gods word, but offering grace and mercy to unbelievers.  A place where I can say I don’t know the right answer to that question but I know this we are loved despite our sinful nature and sought after even when we doubt.

 I want to live loved. 

Casting Crowns~Jesus Friend of Sinners

1 Timothy 1:12-17

 I thank Christ Jesus our Lord, who has given me strength, that he considered me trustworthy, appointing me to his service.  Even though I was once a blasphemer and a persecutor and a violent man, I was shown mercy because I acted in ignorance and unbelief.  The grace of our Lord was poured out on me abundantly, along with the faith and love that are in Christ Jesus.

Here is a trustworthy saying that deserves full acceptance: Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners—of whom I am the worst.  But for that very reason I was shown mercy so that in me, the worst of sinners, Christ Jesus might display his immense patience as an example for those who would believe in him and receive eternal life.  Now to the King eternal, immortal, invisible, the only God, be honor and glory for ever and ever. Amen.