What about this gut
wrenching feeling, I just want to vomit!
You are beginning to
spiral, get a grip.
You’re going to be
just like her!
That’s it I can’t
take it anymore!!
{ above is my self talk}
I begin to weep……
I pace back and forth
do I burden anyone else with this pain, or do I carry it myself?
I decide to reach out
and people reach back. (Thank you Jesus!)
As I am talking to my
mother-in-love I say to her, “I know God is teaching me to lean, lean into Him,
but also to lean into the fellow Christians around me for support.”
As I hung up the
phone and the day went on this “Lean” word has really stuck to me.
She sent me an email
to remind me to L
E
A
N
Friends we are not
fighting this battle alone.
Don’t carry
the burden all by yourself.
And even more
importantly don’t be ashamed.
Everyone’s burdens
are different.
Some days are easy
and some days just plain out STINK!!
It was never meant to
be just your burden to carry.
Take the
load off and remind yourself today that He is a mighty good God.
He is ALWAYS in control—even when we can’t
feel it.
He loves you more than you can
ever imagine.
Please, please don’t
forget He has placed people who love you and want to be there for you in your
life to lean on.
Don’t do it alone.
Lay it down whatever
it is before Him and just LEAN.
Lean into Him, Lean
into a friend, just remember to LEAN
2 Corinthians 4:7-12
But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this
all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard
pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted,but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. We
always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus
may also be revealed in our body. For we who are alive are always
being given over to death for Jesus’ sake, so that his life may also be
revealed in our mortal body. So then, death is at work in us,
but life is at work in you.
Galatians 6:1-2
Brothers and sisters, if someone is caught in a sin, you who live
by the Spiritshould restore that person gently. But watch
yourselves, or you also may be tempted. Carry each other’s burdens, and in this
way you will fulfill the law of Christ.
Psalm 68:19
Praise be to the Lord, to God our Savior,
who daily bears our burdens.
I'd like to look in
the mirror, without hiding my eyes
I'd like to see what You see, why You think I'm qualified
To speak for You, O God, Most High
Who hides a baby in the reeds of a river, until he's grown?
Gives him a stage and the strength to deliver his people home?
'Cause I'm tongue tied, weak in the knees
Must be something You only see
If there's anything good
Anything that's good in me
Well, it must be You
Must be You
And if there's any part of my shaking heart
To see this journey through
It must be You
It must be You
Must be You
It must be You
Not gonna argue with fiery branches that speak my name
Not gonna start taking backward glances from where we came
'Cause tomorrow's holding our dreams
But today I'm here on my knees
O God of parting water
God of falling bread
If my words should falter
Will You speak instead?
You must see something good
You must see something true
It must be You
Let me just begin by
saying God never seizes to amaze me!!!
As I look back at the
journey He has taken me on and is still taking me through I am in awe of His
greatness.
As the lyrics to this
song say…
If there's anything
good
Anything that's good in me
Well, it must be You
Must be You
And if there's any part of my shaking heart
To see this journey through
It must be You
Yesterday morning I
received a message from my mom telling me she had been in an accident and she
would most likely be heading to treatment and that she was sorry.
In that very moment
it was hard for me to grasp what was happening but I knew I needed to pray.
The nurse connected
me to her room.
The voice on the
other end was weak and desperate.
“Mom what happened?”“I think you know”, she responded.
Unfortunately she was
right…. Heroin, accident, ICU and treatment.I could piece the rest together.
I still am not clear
on all the details.
What I knew was
this….
I have spent the last
few years giving my mom to Jesus and taking her back, then giving and taking
her back…. Ok maybe it has been the last 10 years!!
Lately I have had a
very heavy heart over our relationship.
Honestly I have been
grieving the loss of a mother.The
disappointment and anger has really reared its head and has been infecting my
heart.
The last conversation
I had with her before I got the news this morning did not end well.I was angry and hurt.I was disappointed and let down.
As I listened to her
voice on the other side of my phone I was in complete shock with how Jesus
transformed my heart that very second.
I heard Him whisper
to me, “Go tell her she is loved, embrace her, hug her for me please she needs
to know she is loved.”
I know this is
horrible, but please understand this is a humbled heart before you, the last
thing I wanted to do was go see my mom right at that moment.In my humanness I wanted to say to her, “WHAT
WERE YOU THINKING!!!!” and “WHY….WHY…WHY!!!!” and “IS THIS EVER GOING TO
END!!!”
I was angry, hurt,
sad, frustrated, worried along with many other feelings.
But I knew what I had
to do.
As I sat in the room
with her it wasn’t me that was speaking to her it was Jesus.I know that may sound extremely weird (it’s
even hard for me to wrap my head around!)But hear what I am saying here.
I wanted to look at
her and say, “look at what you have done to yourself!!!!!”
Instead I let Jesus be my words; He was
speaking through and for me.
I heard despair, He
spoke hope,
I heard guilt, He spoke truth.
In that very moment
instead of seeing my mom through my eyes, Jesus gave me a glimpse of the unending
love He has for her.
Not only for her but for you and I too!!
As I said goodbye I
prayed with her, then I gave her a big hug.As I was hugging her I imagined Jesus hugging her.
I didn’t want to let go.
I could feel how weak
she was, not just physically, but spiritually as well.
As I walked out she
commented on how she was concerned for someone in her life and she told me,
“Nicole he’s not as strong as you are”
I looked at her and I
said, “Mom, it’s not me its Jesus, without Him I am so weak”
I know somewhere in
her she understands.
If there's anything good
Anything that's good in me
Well, it must be You
Must be You
And if there's any part of my shaking heart
To see this journey through
It must be You
Lord it must be
you.
We can hold on to all
the anger and pain until it embitters our hearts.It is so easy and so often we neglect to see
it until it has already happened.
The moment we choose to see it through Jesus
eyes is when we can set it free to Him.
That moment is what happened
yesterday morning.He took my weak
spirit, a woman full of disappointment and anger, and he said, “Just be Me
Nicole, in your humanness this is to big, but it will NEVER be to big for me,
NEVER”
I don’t know what is
going to happen.
Life is full of
choices.
Do we go back to a
life of bondage, or finally surrender to the Holy One?
Mathew 11:28
Come to me, all you who are weary and
burdened, and I will give you rest.Take my yoke upon you and learn
from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your
soul.For my yoke is
easy and my burden is light.”
I cannot even begin to grasp the loneliness
and sadness that is penetrating my mother’s heart.The
fear and guilt that keeps her bound to this nasty addiction.
But I do know this we
serve a mighty God.
Omnipotent
Omnipresent
Omniscient
He knows every last thing about us.He breathed life into us.He knows the roads we walk to get to
Him.He knows the deepest valleys we
will face, He holds our Joy in His very hands.
He is simply asking for us to be His hands
and feet, to go where He wants to send us.He doesn’t say it is going to be easy; in fact most likely we will go
through the darkness before we can see His light fully.We may go through multiple dark times, but He
is always with us and He is always holding our hand.
Yesterday Jesus reminded me, He is my
strength in the darkest of times.
We can’t
do it without Him.
May today be the day we fall at His feet and
begin to see through His eyes the love He has for our broken sin filled hearts....
This is the song I have included in my post today. If you have time listen, it is beautiful!
This video is Casting Crowns song "Love them Like Jesus" A beautiful reminder to love like Him.
As Jesus and his disciples were on their way, he came to a village
where a woman named Marthaopened her home to him.She
had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord’s feetlistening to
what he said. But Martha was distracted by all the
preparations that had to be made. She came to him and asked, “Lord, don’t you
care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me!”
“Martha, Martha,” the Lord answered, “you are worried
and upset about many things,but few things are needed—or
indeed only one. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away
from her.”
My devotion this
morning had this scripture in it.It
really stood out to me because I can relate to Martha.
Can you?
As I pondered this
scripture this morning I was thinking about what this scripture looked like in
my own life.
Just the other night
I was asking my husband for some advice (ok maybe I was begging and pleading…I
was desperate to say the least). I felt so consumed with doubts and fear I was losing focus of Jesus. It doesn’t
matter what the problem was, what mattered was how simple the answer was he
gave me.
This was Dan’s answer
to me…
“Nicole all that you
can do it pray about it and give it to God and trust Him”
As I sat there I
remembered how almost 8 years ago I sat with my husband in a church parking lot
with him telling me the exact same thing!!!!
Can it really be that
easy?
But what about this and that and all that yucky stuff. What if it doesn't turn out the way I want it.
There is so much we could
worry about, natural disasters, death, physical illness, mental illness,
starving children, murder, our children, addictions, the future, the past, the
present, a messy house.This list could
go on and on couldn’t it!
The truth is this
world can send you in a tail spin of worry if you let it.I have been there and done just that.
Martha was so busy preparing she neglected to see that Jesus was right there in front of her. She loved Jesus, but she was caught up in the moment and lost the opportunity to just be with Him and bask in His presence.
I can be Martha so
often busy preparing and neglecting to sit at Jesus feet and just listen.
I saw myself in Martha last night. So caught up preparing and trying to clean up the "mess"
That "preparing" or "mess" could be worry, doubting, fear, trusting, letting go......
We all have something in our lives that can obstruct our view of Jesus.
We have the choice to let our "mess"control us or let the One who cares and knows everything about that "mess"
lead us!
I know it can be
hard, but it is a choice we can make daily.
Mary chose to look
beyond the mess and see Jesus.
She saw the one thing that mattered....
The healer and helper
The one who is always there
She didn't focus on the circumstances around her she simply sat at His feet and LISTENED.
I am reminded today to do just that.
He loves you and desperately
wants you to sit at His feet in awe of His presence.
I had a different
post to share with you (I have been slacking and haven’t posted it yet).But after this morning I just knew the reason
I haven’t.
God had a different
agenda for my post!
Lately my heart has
been heavy.It seems to come and go, but
it is still there, this nagging feeling that slowly begins to swallow me deeper
and deeper.There are some days I can
keep my head above water and others I slowly began to sink back into that pit.
Have you been
there?
Maybe you are there
right now as you read this.
That pit in your
stomach, the thoughts that just won’t go away, slowly they began to take over
and perhaps you start to believe them and you let it become your truth.
This morning was one
of those mornings where my heart was just plain heavy.
It was heavy with
disappointments, anger and sadness.
Now that I have my
girls and I am a mother I have had to reface some of my “issues” with what I witnessed and experienced growing up and what I am still experiencing as we speak.
I have spent a good
portion of my life striving to be bigger than all of these “issues”.Telling myself it will be OK.
But the truth is……
It hurts.
It absolutely is not what I wanted or would
have ever asked for!! In fact sometimes
I just want to know why.
Why me Jesus?
As I sat in church
this morning I was reminded of Gods truth.
Which let me just say I NEEDED IT
and THANK YOU JESUS!!
The sermon was on
unanswered prayers.
One of the many
things that stood out to me was this:
God answers
prayer, whether or not it seems to be for our comfort it is always for Gods
glory!
As I sat there I was
flooded with emotion.Feelings of
disappointments from my past present and the future began to flash through my
mind.
As I thought about
the statement on Gods glory it made me realize that Gods answer may not always bring me
comfort.But in the midst of the pain it
can still bring Him glory.
It can be a lot easier
to trust God when things in life seem to be going smoothly.But what about trusting God with a
circumstance you have been praying for and didn’t or haven’t received the
answer you wanted?
2 Corinthians 12:7-10
Therefore, in order to keep me from becoming conceited, I was given a
thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it
away from me.But he said to me, “My
grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore
I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power
may rest on me. That is why, for
Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in
persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
Did you hear
that?
Three Times he prayed for God to
take this thorn away, for it to be healed!But God chose not to.Not because He didn’t love him, but because He knew Paul would/could glorify Him.Paul still chose to trust God despite his
thorn.Through his weakness he glorified
God and people witnessed this.They were able
to see God and His goodness through Paul.
I just love this
because I have a problem with feeling like I have to be strong, strong for
myself and strong for others.But the
thing is, in my weakest moments is when I am truly saying, “God you are the
strong one, not me.”
It is OK to be weak, disappointed
and sad with a situation or a “thorn” in your life.Our God is a big God and He can handle our
deepest hurts.
He knows why we hurt and
how it will strengthen us.
He knows the
prayers that will be answered the way we want and He knows the prayers that
will never be answered the way we would like them.
His plan is bigger than any plan we could
ever imagine!!
He is already there
at the end of your life waiting on the other side.
He can see the finished you and me.
He wants nothing more than for us to glorify
Him in the happy times, disappointing times, even in the midst of our deepest
hurts and our happiest moments.
There is
nothing you will face that He hasn’t already faced for you.
That brings me so much comfort.
He knows your thorn.He knows why it is there and why it may
always be there.
He is asking you
to trust Him and let His face shine in and through you!
On a side note the
song from Casting Crowns called “Already There” is an amazing song and is a
great visualization about life.
Adalay
loves to belt this song out in the car with Dan and I and I just love it.Nothing like watching your two year old child
raise her hand to Jesus and scream the words “Already there” in her little two
year old voice…….
Rest in knowing He
has walked it for you already.
Casting Crowns
Already There
From where I'm
standing
Lord it's so hard for me to see
Where this is going
And where You're leading me
I wish I knew how
All my fears and all my questions
Are gonna play out
In a world I can't control
Oh, oh
When I'm lost in the mystery
To You my future is a memory
Cause You're already there
You're already there
Standing at the end of my life
Waiting on the other side
And You're already there
You're already there
Oh, oh, oh, oh
From where You're standing
Lord, You see a grand design
That You imagined
When You breathed me into life
And all the chaos
Comes together in Your hands
Like a masterpiece
Of Your picture perfect plan
When I'm lost in the mystery
To You my future is a memory
Cause You're already there
You're already there
Standing at the end of my life
Waiting on the other side
And You're already there
You're already there
One day I'll stand before You
And look back on the life I've lived
I can't wait to enjoy the view
And see how all the pieces fit
One day I'll stand before You
And look back on the life I've lived
Cause You're already there
You're already there
When I'm lost in the mystery
To You my future is a memory
Cause You're already there
You're already there
Standing at the end of my life
Waiting on the other side
And You're already there
You're already there
