Making Beautiful things out of us! Q & A with my mom....

This is a twist on my usual blog style. 

 This is a  Q & A with my mom! 

2 Corinthians 5:17-22

 Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here!  All this is from God, who reconciled us to himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation:  that God was reconciling the world to himself in Christ, not counting people’s sins against them. And he has committed to us the message of reconciliation.  We are therefore Christ’s ambassadors, as though God were making his appeal through us. We implore you on Christ’s behalf: Be reconciled to God.  God made him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God.

Galations 5:1

 It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.

The last few days I have been thinking about this and I felt God putting it on my heart over and over again. 

 So I decided to approach my mom about the idea and she thought it was a great idea.  

 She said if she could help people through these questions that is what mattered to her.

First I would like to give you some background history into my mom’s life…..

She was born in 1966 and she is the third born with two older siblings and one younger. 

 At the age of thirteen she made a decision to surround herself with the wrong group of people. 

 So began her slow spiral into a battled life of bad behaviors and addictions.

It may have started off innocent but the wind picked her up fast and sent her spiraling faster than she could keep up.  

 I don’t know it all, but what I do know about her life is before the age of eighteen she was raped, she overdosed, had an abortion, attempted suicide, and that catapulted her into a spiraled battle with addictions.

At the age of 18 she found herself pregnant with me, in an abusive relationship and lost.

Fast forward to my high school years. 

 I was a senior in high school when I realize my mom had some serious issues and it wasn’t with us, it was with drugs.

At this time in her life it was meth. 

 I will never forget the night I was getting ready to go out with some friends and she decided to sit me down to let me know her boyfriend had been feeding her meth! 

 REALLY!!  Just what every high school girl wants to hear from their mom.  It got bad she would spend days and nights in her room. 

  Around this time both my brother and I decided to live other places for a while.

Let’s fast forward to September of 2006. 

 My husband and I exchange vows September 23, 2006.  Every girls dream is to have their mother there with them supporting them and sharing this special day.  Unfortunately my mom was too high to even remember the day. 

From then on it has been a constant up and down battle with opiates, benzos, heroin, and alcohol.  

 2008 she ended up in the psych ward after a failed suicide attempt. 

 She found herself in her first treatment facility. 

 Soon after being released she found herself relapsing almost immediately.  

 After another stint in yet another treatment facility she was hopeful. 

 I will never forget the phone call I got from her the very night she left treatment. 

 My husband and I rushed to her apartment to find her slurring her words, sweating profusely and pretty much stuck in a different dimension.  She couldn’t even keep her eyes open or finish a sentence.  I had never been so scared and anxious as I was for my mom’s life as I was in that moment.   

You never dream as a child that your mom is going to be a drug addict and put drugs before her family.

Things seem to have gotten better for a while until it came out that she had been using heroin with a lady she met in the treatment facility. 

 This started one of the hardest battles she has ever faced, a gripping life changing battle with opiates.

Around the end of last year she found herself waking up in the ICU with tubes all over.  

 As she was on her way home from getting high on heroin she went unconscious and slammed into a parked semi going 60 mph.  She actually lost her life for a few brief moments before they were able to paddle her back to life. 

  I will never forget the message I got from her that Sunday morning leaving church.

I never had felt Jesus talk so clearly to me up to that point.  

 I was so upset and the last thing I wanted to do was be with her.  It sounds so cruel, but after years of constant disappointment I was done. 

 Jesus wasn’t though.  

 He said go sit with her she needs to know she is loved. 

 So I did, we prayed together and I just sat there offering hope. 

 A few months later when I went to go see her for the first time in treatment she made a comment on how I never visited her in the hospital. 

  She couldn’t even remember. 

  It broke my heart because I really thought that moment in the hospital was filled with a lot of peace, but I knew after talking with her that moment was only meant for me and Jesus, she was the vessel He was using to get through to me.

And that catches me up to now.   

She has been sober since getting out of her third stint of treatment. 

 This last time was a lot more successful than the rest.  Currently she is still doing some outpatient therapy and lots of psychiatric counseling.  

 She is still awaiting criminal court.

Now that you are caught up lets dive into the questions. 

 When I came to my mom with this vision for my blog post my request to her was that she would be honest, raw and say exactly what laid on her heart and to tell the truth.  

 I ask the questions and she speaks truth about the past, future and the now.

So here it is……

Q & A with Roxann

Me:  How old were you when you began using?  

R: I was 13

Do you believe you were born an addict?  

R: Let’s see, I believe I was born with depression and with the addict personality, but when I started using at the age of 13 I believe that was a choice.

What addictions have you battled?  Drug of choice?

R: Addicted to men- codependent! Drugs and alcohol.  I have tried coke, heroin, meth, alcohol, opiates, benzos… my drug of choice was opiates.

Why did you use?  Was it fun or to mask some sort of pain/hurt?

R:   Well when I was young it started out for fun, but as I got older it was to cover up anxiety, especially social anxiety.  It is very hard for me to be around people, especially in a group setting.

As your daughter I have watched you battle for many years.  You spent the majority of the time blaming others for your reason to use. 

 Do you still believe someone else is to blame for your drug use?  Can you own your addiction today?

R: I am able to own it today, but it has taken me many years and lots of treatment and counseling to show me that truth.  As an addict a part of the addition is playing the blame game and being angry with someone – it gives you a reason to use more.

You have hurt a lot of people along the way with your words and actions.  How do you live with those feelings/thoughts? 

R:  Honestly the only thing I can do and have learned to do is forgive myself.  I had to learn how to let go and let God work.  I can’t go back into my past and change it if I worry about it too much it can be a trigger to want to use.  I own all the bad things I have said and done.

 

Have you come to a point in your life where you can see why family and friends are upset with your choices and are hurt by the hurtful things you have said or done while you were high?  Do you think they are warranted to their feelings?

R:   Yes.  Sometimes I feel they should be even angrier with me than they are.  I can’t believe the way some of them have stepped up in support of me.  One thing that helps an addict is to have support.

Do you believe the relationships that are still severed at this point are fixable?  Can there be forgiveness from both parties?

R: I believe I need to work very hard and it will take a lifetime of showing people so I can get there trust back.  I have to show people that I am going to be ok without drugs.

What do you think has kept you in bondage all these years?

R:  It was hard for me to even face life, I hated myself and I didn’t want to live.  I was suicidal.  Insecurity is a big issue for me.

Are you angry or bitter with yourself or anyone else at this point?

R: No

As your daughter it breaks my heart to know that there have been many lost years.  Our relationship was not one of a mother and daughter.  Do you have any regrets?  What keeps you looking towards the future in this area?

 

R:  I have many regrets in this area.  My children and family is one of my biggest motivations not to use anymore.  I lost everything and I am beginning to see what I could have had and I don’t want to lose it all again.

What is your biggest trigger to want to use?

R:  When I have my body aches and I don’t feel good, I think about how the pain could just go away if I used.  Anxiety is a big trigger; it is really hard to face life without all the pills and drugs.  I know I can’t cover it up anymore though.  Also I think myself and a lot of other woman struggle with their weight and that can give you a reason to use.  When I have the urge to use my mind goes to the withdrawals, I am getting too old to go through that my body can’t handle it anymore!

Is it a struggle to stay sober?

R:  I never realized how hard it would be.  People who think it will be easy are lying to themselves.  Being high is the only way I know how to cope.  It kept me going.  It is a constant battle to keep myself going without the drugs.

Would you change your past?

R:  For sure I would.  Some parts of my past was fun, but I hardly used in my younger days.  I really didn’t start using heavily till I was 30.  God I would give anything to change 30 on.

Are you at a point now where you can see God working in the past and the present?

R: I have always seen God at work, I just fall away from Him and don’t want anything to do with Him when I use.  I feel like He is trying to show me where I am supposed to be but I am just not there yet.

When was your darkest time with addiction?

R:  When you were in high school and I was using meth.  It was then when I realized I put my kids to the side and drugs came first.  You and your brother both left.  The other time would be your wedding.  I really wasn’t there I was so high.  It makes me really sad to think about these areas.  I still struggle to forgive myself.  I have forgiven myself for most of my past but I can’t do it in these two areas.

I have spent many years in fear of becoming you and angry at you mom, how does that make you feel?

R: Scared to death….. I always worried about you and Michael turning out like me.  You have every right to be angry with me.

Do you still feel judged by others? 

R: YES

 Do you believe God loves you?

 

R: I believe God has always loved me, well I think?  I didn’t give God much thought when I was using.  I didn’t care about anything or anyone, I only cared about being high.  But when I wasn’t using I always sought God out.  I feel like He has always loved me, but I haven’t always loved myself or Him.

Can you see God in the midst of all of this?

R:  It is hard for me to be alone with God, I think it is because I haven’t fully forgave myself yet.

Do you struggle with who you are?

 

R: Oh yes for sure

Are you hopeful?

R: Very hopeful.  I am the most hopeful I have ever been.  I am hopeful that I can have a healthy relationship with my family.

Now that you have been dealing with the consequences of your actions what have been the hardest things to face?

R:  How I lost my kids, not having a relationship with my grandchildren for the first part of their lives.  Pretty much losing my life from 30-47.  My body has suffered immensely from the drug use.

I have spent a lot of time being angry with you.  After finally dealing with my own past and issues from growing up in an addicted home do you notice a different in our relationship?

R:Oh definitely, I tell people all the time how happy I am with our relationship right now.  I understood your anger, it was extremely hard for me to face your anger.  You are not so angry with me now and our relationship helps encourage me not to want to go back to using.

What motivates you to stay sober?

 

R: Honestly my grandchildren are my biggest motivation.  I want to live the rest of my life healthy for myself and my family.  My relationship with my sister, it has been nice spending time with her.  It is nice not having to lie anymore.

If someone reading this was struggling with addiction what kind of advice would you give them?

R:  I believe what saved me was actually getting help!  Don’t be afraid of treatment it isn’t that bad and it REALLY DOES HELP!  Do you really want to be all alone because that is where addiction gets you?  Do you like the withdrawals and being sick all the time, there is so much more to life.  It took me almost dying and being court ordered to get help, but I believe it really is the only way most people can quit, is by getting help.  If you don’t quit now you will end up getting caught, take it from me it catches up to you.  It may seem to start off innocent but in the end you get caught.  You will either end up in jail or treatment or both!  Addiction might make you feel invisible but you’re not.  Don’t be afraid of the help reaching out to you!

 

What has been the hardest part about your journey as an addict?

R: Losing everything!  My family, job, marriages, ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING! I didn’t believe it would happen, but it did.  A man I used to work with told me, “Roxann you continue down this path you will lose everything”, he was right.  I did lose it all.  I never would have believed him then.  The drugs blind you to this truth unfortunately.

What does the future hold for you?

R:  Trying to stay sober.  Being a Grandma, and hopefully growing old with my husband.

And last question, do you believe you are beautiful?

 

R: Oh boy that is a hard one.  Truthfully NO I don’t think I am beautiful.  I have always been insecure about myself.  I used drugs to make me feel like I was beautiful.  When I was high everything felt good and I was beautiful.

She ended the conversation with this... Addiction is a lost battle.  You have two choices get clean and start new or continue spiraling until you end up dying. 

 

I stumbled upon this song folding laundry the other day while my mom was downstairs playing with the girls.  All these questions and visions for this blog where running through my head.  This song came on the radio and I got chills.  

 My mind immediately went to my mom. 

 I ended our Q & A with the question; do you think you are beautiful?

Even in our darkest days God can and will make ALL things beautiful.  

 As His children we need to be willing to let Him make us new.  

 Every day we wake up and face a new day and are given a new chance to start over.

 Psalm 139:13-16
For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.

Gungor -- Beautiful things

All this pain
I wonder if I’ll ever find my way
I wonder if my life could really change at all
All this earth
Could all that is lost ever be found
Could a garden come up from this ground at all

You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us

God makes beautiful things out of dust. 

 

Is that statement ever true!  

He takes a broken and lost life and makes it new again.  

It has been very easy to look at my mom and see nothing but a failure. 

 In my eyes that is what she was to me for the majority of my life. 

  Haven’t we all failed though? 

 Adam and Eve decided our fate for us….. Sinners.  

We are all broken

We all have a story.

But it doesn't end there!

  This is her story.

  It hasn’t always been beautiful; in fact she has lost it all because of choices she has made.   Watching it fall to the ground and disintegrate into dust. 

God refused to let go ……

  Little did she know He was and is making beautiful things out of her life.  

He really does make beautiful things out of dust

He makes us new

We must hold on to the fact that in His timing He is making all things new.  No matter how far down a dark road you have traveled He is and has been with you.  He can redeem even the darkest days, the deepest hurts and the most broken people.

You make beautiful things out of us