Exposed

Strip everything away till all I have is You
Undo the veils till all I see is You
I'm pressing in to You so do not pass me by
I'm breaking through the boundaries
I will not be denied

 Open my eyes, search me inside, I can’t live without Your presence

I will pursue You

~Jesus Culture~

In my last post I wrote this

{I have never felt such a strong tug from God to surrender as I do now.  As if He is stripping me of every false idol I have put before Him, including myself so I can worship the God He really is!}

My online dictionary defines exposed as this: make (something) visible, typically by uncovering it.  Not shielded or protected; also: not insulated.

As a child and all the way through my early adult years I spent a lot of time focused on how other people were feeling and how I could help fix them.  In fact as a child my natural coping mechanism was to mask my feelings and push them as far back as I could because it just wasn’t safe to feel them.  Unfortunately that created a very unhealthy view of myself and God into my adulthood. 

I would consider myself to be a happy, glass always half full type person.  But this became an image I thought I had to continually live up to.  If people really saw the pain and ache they would not have time for me.  If I let my guard down just enough to show that somewhere inside I wasn’t ok, if I actually shared a real feeling that I felt people would run and view me as a failure.

Even worse I would view myself as a failure.

 If I get really real here, the truth is if I allowed the pain and feelings to become real then I was a failure!

Even though I knew this was an unhealthy viewpoint, at some point in my childhood years this became my coping mechanism.

 In my mind it felt healthy and it made me feel safe.   

God has always been a part of my life. 

Looking back as a child I talked to God a lot.  I don’t remember what these conversations looked like but they were there.  I would say around the age of 18 I began to have a deep desire to know who Jesus is and to live for Him.

So I began a journey.

I wanted to live for this man that lived for me so I could have eternal life.

So I began perfecting my life.

 I knew I wasn’t perfect but if I loved God enough and if I prayed enough then He would find me worthy and He would make this life of mine good.

I cleaned myself up and I went to God with the cleaned up version of myself that He could love.

The messy stuff might have still been there but if it looked good on the outside than that inside messy stuff He could make magically disappear.  I could go to Him in my masks and He wouldn’t be able to see through them.

So that is what I did {I will continue to battle this until I meet Him face to face} I polished myself up, set the feelings aside and said I am great and everything will turn out good and I can handle whatever comes my way because I am strong!   I will just keep giving God the pretty part of myself and He will make the ugly stuff disappear, right?

Unfortunately I have slammed myself up against a brick wall far too many times {this will always be a struggle for me} with this unhealthy coping mechanism.

Let me give you a few examples of the way this plays out in my life…..

My mom is a recovering addict and my birth father was an alcoholic/drug addict.  That is messy so I could make the mess go away by not drinking and living differently from them.  Then I wouldn’t risk turning out like the mess.

My birth father physically abused me as an infant and had some mad aggressive issues.  So I strive to be the “perfect mom”, this unattainable version of myself.

If God could just see how good I could be than I have succeeded!

As these pains and feelings began to seep through the cracks I started to see parts of myself that were not lovable and definitely not Christ like!!

Exposed

 When I think of the word exposed this comes to mind.

Naked. Alone. Cold. Raw. Stripped.

Yeah right!  That does not bring me comfort.  In fact it scares the crap out of me.

How could there be any good in being exposed!!

As I began to pursue God I was learning that I was only giving Him small fractions of my heart. I pursued Him with all the safe areas of my heart.  But what I love about Jesus is He loved me despite this.  Not only that but He was pursuing ALL my heart and I had no idea at the time the freedom He was and is continually offering me in endless pursuit.

I mentioned in my last post

Lamentations 3:16

He has broken my teeth with gravel; he has trampled my feet in the dust.

Extreme I know but stick with me here.  I recently found this verse through a book I was reading.  I just love how God really does speak through and in His word!!

After spending some time in prayer on this verse this is what I began to piece together and see.

He was breaking me. 

Not because He didn’t love me or because I was unlovable but because I had this warped concept of what His love looked like in my life.  I believed if I brought this image to Him then He would love me more.  If I was this fantastic wife who respected her husband and a loving mom who never raised her voice to her children then I succeeded.

Not only that but I modeled so much of my life after something I could never achieve.

My heart raced after momentary fixes……my husband and children, my appearance; the approval of others, fixing my mom…the list is never ending.

Around the age of 25 I began to watch my momentary fixes crumble.

My husband and I struggled with infertility for years and it was something I couldn’t fix no matter how hard I tried.  The following year my mom lost control of her addiction and tried to take her life.  I spent my whole life trying to fix her to fit the image that worked for me.  I couldn’t continue to try to fix her anymore, I was exhausted!

We finally became parents in 2010.  Now I really could prove to God and the people around me that I could be everything different from where I came from.  But as time went on I continually failed myself.  I yelled and screamed, and did things I was so ashamed of in my parenting!

My mom continued to spiral out of control in the next coming years until she almost lost her life from a heroin overdose.  At the same time we were welcoming our second daughter into our lives.  We felt complete as a family.  Now I could do it right with her since the ugly was seeping out on my first daughter.  But I found myself struggling with situational anxiety not long after her birth.  I felt so disconnected with reality and so overwhelmed with the ugly that was seeping out of me I felt as if I had failed myself and everyone around me.

  This life and image I had created and wanted was failing in my eyes.

 It was nowhere near what I thought God had planned for me and little alone what i wanted to be.  I was doing it right by living for Him and these horrible storms just kept on a coming!

 My relationship with my husband was not what I envisioned. I couldn’t continue to pretend it was pretty when the ugly was everywhere I looked.

And who am I kidding my explosive behavior toward my girls was getting out of control and I had zero hope at fixing my mom.

I felt stripped, cold, naked, raw and alone!

All those things that made me feel accomplished and loved had slipped through the cracks.

I felt exposed.

I really believe that in order for me to finally give up on myself I needed to be stripped of everything I held so tightly and loved.

When you spend your life working so hard for an image that feels safe it becomes an idol, a very FALSE idol.

I needed to be exposed. 

I began to watch this image I created for myself be stripped.

I had nothing “perfect” to offer Him anymore. 

He was left with a messy and broken girl that yearned for His truth and love.

I could no longer offer Him this image of myself because there was no image left.

I can’t even begin to explain the wild fire, piercing amount of love He has for you and I.

I want nothing more for you and I to live exposed to Jesus.

As I walked through the process {I am still walking this process by the way} of learning how to give Jesus ALL of my heart I have begun to see who He really is and how He really loves.  He is showing me that I am loved for who I was back there, who I am right now and who He is molding me into.  There is nothing that can’t be left exposed to Him.

Hiding behind our masks does nothing for us.  It only prevents us from experiencing His love to the fullest.  I have many masks He is revealing to me.  He is teaching me to put the masks down and I am slowly learning how to keep them there and not reach for them when I begin to feel the need for perfecting OR faking through. 

He is teaching me how to relate to people in a real way.  No longer offering an image of what I feel I should look like anymore, but offering myself.  The imperfect self I am.

My heart breaks because I know I am not the only one that struggles with this image stuff. 

Maybe you’re reading this now and you realize you have only been offering Jesus fractions of your heart, holding back the areas that feel unloved and no longer safe, keeping the truth from your closest friends maybe even your spouse.   My dear friend you can only live there so long until something breaks.  He is in an endless pursuit of our hearts.

He longs to be connected with ALL of who you are.

He longs for us to experience a vulnerable connection with the ones that we hold dear to our hearts here, our spouses and children, our closest friends.

We live in an image driven society. 

I am not saying it is bad to want to succeed but what drives your heart is what can become the idol.  For me what drove my heart was the very thing that kept me from being fully exposed.  He is teaching me to pursue truth when it feel unsafe, pressing forward trusting that He is in control; teaching me to be vulnerable again to those closest to my heart, allowing the pain in because it has to be there.

Exposed

It is a place that no longer feels unsafe to me.  I no longer feel naked and alone.  I no longer feel like I have to bring an image to God instead I bring myself. 

I am clothed in His mercy and grace.  No longer alone but loved beyond what I can ever imagine.

Exposed is a word I crave now.

 I want to live exposed so I no longer see myself instead I see Him.

 Sometimes trusting God amounts to making peace with something that won't fix. Sometimes you let it go. Sometimes you hold it broken  ~Beth Moore

Jesus please help me to expose ALL my heart to you.  I don’t want to hold anything back Lord.  I just want you! 

Strip everything away till all I have is You
Undo the veils till all I see is You
I'm pressing in to You so do not pass me by
I'm breaking through the boundaries
I will not be denied

Open my eyes, search me inside, I can’t live without Your presence

I will pursue You

{If you have a few minutes to sit with Him this is a beautiful worship song!!}

Jesus Culture~ Pursuit

Losing "it"...

I have spent so much of my life fearing the place I find myself in this moment.

  I always wondered what it would feel like if I just lost it.  

 What would that look like?   

I always envisioned myself ending up in a psych ward or just feeling so out of control and life would be over as I know it.

So I prepared.  I became anxious. 

Fear has wallowed in my thoughts for years threatening to take over.

I had this image growing up that life was going to be ok when I was older.  The pain that ached would go away.  I would meet my prince, he would whisk me away and we would live safely.  

 I don’t know if I thought I could protect myself from the pain but I think I came to a point in my life where I thought if I could be happy enough the pain would keep its distance and it wouldn’t bother me.

A question I spent a lot of time pondering on growing up was and is this:  What is people’s breaking point and how do you get to that point?

I always imagined it to be this really scary, unhealthy, horrible thing.  

But what if it didn’t look like that?

What if I told you I lost it? 

Would you laugh at me? 

Give me a hug? 

Tell me it is going to be ok? 

Try to fix it?

 Would you believe me?

I read a book that pointed out Lamentations from the bible.  I never really paid much attention to this book but I was drawn to this verse.

Lamentations 3:16

He has broken my teeth with gravel; he has trampled my feet in the dust.

On a side note let me just say this:  I don't believe God causes the pain in our lives.  What I do believe is He uses it to mold us and bring us closer to Him!

I have never felt such a strong tug from God to surrender as I do now.  As if He is stripping me of every false idol I have put before him, including me so I can worship the God He really is!  Let me just say this, I will always be a constant work in progress and until I meet Him face to face He will not be finished with me.  

 But I think this is a time where He is calling me to give up and surrender.  To absolutely lose it so I can finally feel what it looks like to collapse into His arms and look into His eyes and say I trust you, I really trust you with the outcome.

He is teaching me how to feel again and what true love really looks like through his eyes.

He is stripping me of this world so I can only hang on to Him.

No I am not hopeless.  In fact I have more hope than I have ever had.  Not a hope that comes from me or this world though, but a hope that comes from Him. 

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders

Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior

Hillsong: Oceans (Where feet may fail)

                                               

So much of my security has been built around lies and fear.  I thought if life looked a certain way then everything would be good.  People would continue to love me and praise me for how well I am holding it together.  If I prepare enough in my head then I could be ready for whatever came my way.  But it isn't the way it works.  There has to be a breaking point.  There has to be a day we say I just can’t do it anymore.  This weight is just too unbearable and I need to give it up.  

I always thought if I spoke this way I would be giving up. 

 People would look at me and say get it together and I would be looked at as a failure.

This is not what I imaged my life to look like. 

 I really thought it was going to be easier.  

 I could conquer everything that came my way with a smile and without feeling the pain.  

I just can’t.

I give up God and I surrender to you. 

This is hard and it hurts but I trust you with this pain.

  Thank you for using the pain in my life to bring me closer to you.  Lord continue to shape me and mold me.  Stretch me and test me.  May my way be your way.  Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders.  Take me deeper than my feet could every wander.  Break me Lord so I can find my strength in you and not myself.

So I end with this:  Please don’t think I am hopeless or feeling sorry for myself, because that is not it at all.  For the first time I feel like I am trusting God enough to really feel the pain of the present.  Trusting Him enough to hold me while I battle with all of my insecurities.  Holding tight to His truth and calling on Him as I wrestle with the pain.  I finally am beginning to see what it looks like to be loved no matter what. 

For the first time I am losing it so I can gain a better understanding of my Saviors love………