Losing "it"...

I have spent so much of my life fearing the place I find myself in this moment.

  I always wondered what it would feel like if I just lost it.  

 What would that look like?   

I always envisioned myself ending up in a psych ward or just feeling so out of control and life would be over as I know it.

So I prepared.  I became anxious. 

Fear has wallowed in my thoughts for years threatening to take over.

I had this image growing up that life was going to be ok when I was older.  The pain that ached would go away.  I would meet my prince, he would whisk me away and we would live safely.  

 I don’t know if I thought I could protect myself from the pain but I think I came to a point in my life where I thought if I could be happy enough the pain would keep its distance and it wouldn’t bother me.

A question I spent a lot of time pondering on growing up was and is this:  What is people’s breaking point and how do you get to that point?

I always imagined it to be this really scary, unhealthy, horrible thing.  

But what if it didn’t look like that?

What if I told you I lost it? 

Would you laugh at me? 

Give me a hug? 

Tell me it is going to be ok? 

Try to fix it?

 Would you believe me?

I read a book that pointed out Lamentations from the bible.  I never really paid much attention to this book but I was drawn to this verse.

Lamentations 3:16

He has broken my teeth with gravel; he has trampled my feet in the dust.

On a side note let me just say this:  I don't believe God causes the pain in our lives.  What I do believe is He uses it to mold us and bring us closer to Him!

I have never felt such a strong tug from God to surrender as I do now.  As if He is stripping me of every false idol I have put before him, including me so I can worship the God He really is!  Let me just say this, I will always be a constant work in progress and until I meet Him face to face He will not be finished with me.  

 But I think this is a time where He is calling me to give up and surrender.  To absolutely lose it so I can finally feel what it looks like to collapse into His arms and look into His eyes and say I trust you, I really trust you with the outcome.

He is teaching me how to feel again and what true love really looks like through his eyes.

He is stripping me of this world so I can only hang on to Him.

No I am not hopeless.  In fact I have more hope than I have ever had.  Not a hope that comes from me or this world though, but a hope that comes from Him. 

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders

Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior

Hillsong: Oceans (Where feet may fail)

                                               

So much of my security has been built around lies and fear.  I thought if life looked a certain way then everything would be good.  People would continue to love me and praise me for how well I am holding it together.  If I prepare enough in my head then I could be ready for whatever came my way.  But it isn't the way it works.  There has to be a breaking point.  There has to be a day we say I just can’t do it anymore.  This weight is just too unbearable and I need to give it up.  

I always thought if I spoke this way I would be giving up. 

 People would look at me and say get it together and I would be looked at as a failure.

This is not what I imaged my life to look like. 

 I really thought it was going to be easier.  

 I could conquer everything that came my way with a smile and without feeling the pain.  

I just can’t.

I give up God and I surrender to you. 

This is hard and it hurts but I trust you with this pain.

  Thank you for using the pain in my life to bring me closer to you.  Lord continue to shape me and mold me.  Stretch me and test me.  May my way be your way.  Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders.  Take me deeper than my feet could every wander.  Break me Lord so I can find my strength in you and not myself.

So I end with this:  Please don’t think I am hopeless or feeling sorry for myself, because that is not it at all.  For the first time I feel like I am trusting God enough to really feel the pain of the present.  Trusting Him enough to hold me while I battle with all of my insecurities.  Holding tight to His truth and calling on Him as I wrestle with the pain.  I finally am beginning to see what it looks like to be loved no matter what. 

For the first time I am losing it so I can gain a better understanding of my Saviors love………