Part 2: Jesus Culture Conference ~ Becoming undone

Hosea 6:1-3

Come on, let’s go back to God.
    He hurt us, but he’ll heal us.
He hit us hard,
    but he’ll put us right again.
In a couple of days we’ll feel better.
    By the third day he’ll have made us brand-new,
Alive and on our feet,
    fit to face him.
We’re ready to study God,
    eager for God-knowledge.
As sure as dawn breaks,
    so sure is his daily arrival.
He comes as rain comes,
    as spring rain refreshing the ground.”

Heart pounding.  Air thick with fear.  All consuming and piercing.

I couldn’t understand why this was consuming me.

Fear

Night after night I laid awake asking God why.  Why He wouldn’t take this thorn away.

I remember the way I felt waking each morning hoping the feeling would be gone.  But it wasn’t.  It remained and I wondered how I could face the day feeling this way.  Day after day I tried to suppress emotions that were beginning to seep out.  The harder I tried the worse it became.

Panic attacks were beginning to be a part of my daily life.

Horrible thoughts consumed my mind daily. 

Fear can be absolutely crippling. 

As days turned to months I couldn’t understand what was happening to me.  There would be days were I would find myself facedown begging God for help.  I wanted this feeling to be gone.  I was getting to a point where I was really struggling to hold it together.

Lamentations 3:16-18

He ground my face into the gravel.
    He pounded me into the mud.
I gave up on life altogether.
    I’ve forgotten what the good life is like.
I said to myself, “This is it. I’m finished.
    God is a lost cause.”

I came to a point in my life where I couldn’t hold it together on my own any longer.

I was starting to unravel and I had a choice to make, continue to try to do it on my own or surrender and begin to trust God in a new way. 

At this point my relationship with God consisted of performing for Him.  I create an image for myself that that was built on lies and insecurities.  If I said all the right things, kept the pain tucked away, looked functional and put together then people would think I turned out normal. Even better I could fool them into thinking I had the faith of a giant and I was great at trusting God. 

I had found comfort with God with all my surface emotions, but I kept a lot of pain locked away deep in my heart and I had swallowed the key years back.

I was doing the right thing.

God couldn’t use that stuff anyways.

I disconnected from the pain and tried my hardest not to look back.

Up to this point in my life I had a distorted image of what control over my life looked like.  I really believed if I was a good girl and tried hard enough I would become stronger and I would be able to press through life escaping the hard stuff. 

Looking back this was a pivotal point in my faith walk.

God was slowly unraveling this image I had created for myself.  I didn’t know who Nicole was anymore.  I only knew what I wanted myself to look like and I knew how to please people with my behavior.  So that is what I did.  I set an unachievable image for myself and I anxiously raced after the finish line, constantly disappointing myself.

Fast forward a few years.

After the birth of my second daughter I found myself struggling yet again.

The panic attacks had returned and they were back with vengeance.

December was a terrible month that year.  Most days I spent on the couch paralyzed by fear. 

Christmas, a time for family to gather and enjoy each others company and praise our Savior became a dreadful time.

Smile and laughter filled the air, but for me the air was filled with a thick fog.  I felt disconnected from reality.

Life was happening all around me and I wanted nothing more to connect to it, but I couldn’t.

Everyone seemed so happy and I just felt lost. 

I found myself wondering how come the pain had returned and why I couldn’t get a grip on it.

This was different though.   

Something had broke inside me and I couldn’t do it any longer.

At this point instead of asking God to remove it,  I began asking Him to work through it and show me the purpose of it. 

It wasn’t easy. 

There were days I felt like I was losing it.  I would make two steps forward and one step back.  It was extremely difficult at times.

I decided once again to seek counseling.

I began a journey of healing.

Healing years of pain and loss, joys and sorrow and learning to find God in the midst of it.

I remember sitting in her office and allowing myself to finally unravel enough to feel the pain of years of loss I kept locked away.  She passed along a few words of advice.  Words that I will carry with me as long as I am on this side of heaven --- “make room for the pain” and “Just because it feels good doesn’t mean it is and just because it feels bad doesn’t mean it is”.

Wait you want me to make room for pain!!!! IMPOSSIBLE

Pain could only mean weakness and I was a pro at making myself feel good and not being weak. 

After months of therapy and reliving areas of my life that were tied to immense bondage I began to make room for the pain and allow myself to grieve the losses.

God was working in the midst of deep wounds, healing years of insecurities, strongholds, and addictive behavior.  I wish I could say it was easy to trust Him and not doubt Him.  But I doubted constantly wondering how this process could heal.  But by the grace of God He gave me the strength to hold on.

He placed people in my life to remind me of truth.

I pressed into Him day after day handing over years of hurt and disappointments.

It didn’t just get better like I wanted it to.  It felt worse.  Everything I grabbed onto for security was being pulled from under me.  Was it all a lie?  Who was I?  Can God love me?  What are people going to think of me?

I wondered if it was worth it. 

I was reassured that it often gets a lot darker before you break through to light.

After months of counseling and breaking chains upon chains of bondage I was beginning to find that there really was freedom on the other side.  He began mending my heart.

Allowing God into those areas of my life was hard.

He knew where I ached and He ached with me. 

He knew I kept those things locked away out of shame. 

But His blood covered that shame.

I wanted Him to go in and take it as far away as He could.  Instead He continually pursued my heart until I was ready to find Him in the midst of it and bring it to Him.

When we allow God to take capture of ALL of our heart His promises will exceed our expectations.

We were designed to connect fully to Him. 

Connecting with Him requires us to become extremely vulnerable.

Allowing this can feel very unsafe and painful at first, especially if you have built high walls around your wounded heart. 

It might get messy. 

It will be ok. 

Allow Him to break those walls down piece by piece knowing that in His time He will show Himself.

You will unravel.  Break down and fall apart. 

But He will pick up the pieces and mend you back together and the result will be more beautiful than you can imagine.

I’ve tasted and seen of the sweetest of loves where my heart becomes free and my shame is undone.

~Lyrics to Holy Spirit, Bryan and Katie Torwalt

Years have passed since this time in my life.

Do I have fears?  Of course

Do they have a grip over my life like before?  No longer

There is no perfect on this side of heaven.

Do I see purpose in the pain now?  Yes

I no longer fear the dark days.  They have purpose.  He uses them.

The question is:  Are we going to allow Him to use it?

As I said in the previous post months leading up to the Jesus Culture conference I felt God silencing me and asking me to sit quietly and listen to Him.

Around the same time I began the journey of healing years back I was introduced to Jesus Culture music.  Whenever I listened to their music I was overtaken by the presence of the Spirit.  It was such an impressionable time for my spirit to heal.  I felt alive when I worshiped to there music.

As I sat listening to Kim Walker Smith {a worship singer for Jesus Culture} speak at the conference I couldn’t believe what I was hearing.  It was almost surreal.

She spoke of a time in her life where God was calling her to heal past wounds from her childhood.

I thought to myself are you serious this is CRAZY.

She continued on talking about how God uses everything we go through to prepare us.

As she spoke I saw the past 6 years of my life flash before my eyes and it all came together.

God knows.

He can see our pain

He doesn’t abandon us

Even when it feels like He has

He is preparing us for something more

Something bigger.

I share all this with you so you can be reminded that He is alive and He is working in the hearts of so many.  Breaking chains and setting people free.

Why?  Our life is not our own.  He breathed life into us to bring Himself glory.

Every pain.  Every joy.  Nothing is wasted.

It is all about Him.  He gives us the choice to partner with Him or do it without Him.

He will never stop pursuing every area of our lives until He is woven into every fiber of it.

I don’t know where I would be if He wouldn’t have begun the process of unraveling this good girls heart six years ago.  But I know I wouldn’t be living free.

Six years ago He called my name. 

He asked me to trust Him.

He asked me to stop living in the shallow waters of safety.

He called me to follow Him into the deep.

He didn’t say it was going to be easy.

He only said He would do it with me.

I think back to those dark days and I am reminded how they were some of the rawest moments I had with Him.  Pouring all I had into wanting to experience just a taste of His love over my life.

I press forward knowing He is using this heart of mine.  He gave us His Spirit allowing it to pour through us and experience tastes of His presence.

The Spirit revealed so much to me at the Jesus Culture Conference.  Overall God reminded me of who I am.  Not who I want to be or who I feared becoming, but who He created me to be.  He only made one me and it would be an absolute shame if I continued to hold back pieces of my heart that seemed unusable or different.   He desires our whole heart.  He wants to mend our brokenness back together in beautiful ways.

I’ve spent way too much time trying to chase after pleasing human approval. 

Today I just want to be in His presence.

If that means looking different I am ok with that.

His Spirit was unleashed over us that weekend.

There are not words to describe the encounter that poured out over that auditorium that weekend.

He has been preparing my heart for some time now to experience His presence in a whole new way, a way this heart would have never allowed if I wouldn’t have allowed Him into those areas that I thought were wasted.

Six years ago God began preparing my heart.  He ignited a flame that slowly began burning.  Today it burns wildly for Him and it can’t be contained.

I can no longer hold back.

He pursues us continually asking us to give Him our all.
And He will continue to pursue us until we meet Him face to face.

Six years ago I answered to fear.  It had an intense grip on my heart. 

The only way I could break free was to step out and trust that He was holding me.

God allowed me to experience some of my darkest days before He allowed light to permeate the darkest valleys.

Today I stand surrendered and in awe of His grace and love for this recovering good girl..

Embracing today and looking forward to what is ahead.

Maybe He is stirring something in your heart but fear holds you back from tasting the freedom you were created for.  Grab onto Him and trust Him. Give Him your all.  As long as you are pressing into Him it is worth it.  There is purpose in ALL the joy and sorrows.

Galatians 5:1

Christ has set us free to live a free life. So take your stand! Never again let anyone put a harness of slavery on you.