I WILL STAND

This past Sunday during worship I had the opportunity to hear this song…….

The Stand

Now I have heard this song before, but not like this.

I was taken away

The Stand lyrics

You stood before creation
Eternity in your hand
You spoke the earth into motion
My soul now to stand

You stood before my failure
And carried the cross for my shame
My sin weighed upon your shoulders
My soul now to stand

So what could I say?
And what could I do?
But offer this heart, Oh God
Completely to you

So I'll walk upon salvation
Your spirit alive in me
This life to declare your promise
My soul now to stand

So what could I say?
And what could I do?
But offer this heart, Oh God
Completely to you

I'll stand
With arms high and heart abandoned
In awe of the one who gave it all
I'll stand
My soul Lord to you surrendered
All I am is yours

It got me thinking about my walk with Jesus!

Is my heart abandoned to you lord?  How about my soul to you surrendered?

Am I all yours?

Do you have baggage? 

I have tried to cover mine up, pretend it isn’t there. If I keep telling myself it never happened maybe it will just go away!

Let me take you back to September of 2008….

My husband and I found out we were pregnant with our first baby!!!

 Not soon after finding out I knew something was wrong, the pain was not supposed to be there.  I didn’t want anyone to worry so I tried to hide the pain as long as I could.  Finally my husband said he was taking me to the E.R.

It was true, my baby was gone and the surgery would confirm that.  Tubal pregnancy was the end result.  I was devastated inside, my heart ached for something more. 

This couldn’t be it….

After months of trying to “hold it together”, I began to crumble from the inside out.  Every day I would wake up hoping the feeling I was experiencing would magically disappear at night.  Well, I continued to find out every morning it was still there.  

Emptiness and I couldn’t fix. 

 All these “things” I thought I had under control from my past began to resurface.

You see I am a fixer!!  And this feeling needed to go away so I could maintain who I thought I needed to be!

But this I couldn’t make go away on my own. 

I began to plea with God to make it go away.  “Why Lord, why me?”  “I love you and I don’t deserve this!”

I remember falling to my knees and sobbing to Jesus, “Help me”.  

2 Corinthians 12:9-10

(NIV)

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.  That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

Despite the pain I was feeling, I began to feel the Holy Spirit working in a way I had never felt before.  He began to teach me what the word surrender means.

“Nicole do you trust me?”  Yes lord I trust you!  “But do you trust me with your life right now, just how you are, frail and searching for something more?”  But Lord I don’t want to be this way.  “Nicole, will you walk with me even though your way isn’t my way?”  I think I can…...  “Then let go, don’t be afraid, I am there right by your side.”  But Lord, I feel like I am losing my mind!  People will really think I am losing it!  “It doesn’t matter what they think, just trust that I have your best interest in mind.”

Psalm 9:10

 (NIV)

 Those who know your name trust in you,

    for you, Lord, have never forsaken those who seek you.

Ok Lord, I am yours completely.

The dictionary defines surrender as, to give up completely, or to give oneself over to something.

Jesus began unraveling the Nicole I saw myself as, for the Nicole He knew me as.  Day by day I learned to surrender to Him.  

Proverbs 20:24

 (NIV)

 A person’s steps are directed by the Lord.   How then can anyone understand their own way?

Was it easy? 

Of course not, the enemy had control of some dark areas of my heart.  As His light began to shine in those dark places I wept.  I wept for everything I thought I was and everything I thought I needed to be.  All those lies I told myself, and believed.

I was beginning to see the beauty in the flawed areas of my life.  I began to see Jesus himself.

 He carried that cross for me!

Today I stand in awe of Jesus Christ.  For He is everything I will never be.

Thank you Lord for carrying my burdens on the cross.

Today I stand with arms high and heart abandoned, in awe of the one who gave it all, Lord all I am is yours

All I ever want to be is yours…..

Romans 8: 37-39

(NIV)

Now, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us.  For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Romans 8:28

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.

Hebrews 4:14-16

(NIV)

 Therefore, since we have a great high priest who has ascended into heaven, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to the faith we profess. For we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet he did not sin.  Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.