Learning to love every part and giving my ALL

As I left church this morning I couldn’t break this overwhelming feeling of thankfulness.

This past week I have taken notice on how all this “change” stuff God has encouraged and pushed (ok maybe dragged is a better word) me through these past few years is beginning to take shape in my life.

I don’t say that in a selfish look at me kind of way, actually the exact opposite.

 The simple fact is I wouldn’t be where I am this very moment without the strength of my sweet Savior Jesus guiding me, leading me, many times carrying me through the darkest of days my heart has faced thus far in my glimmer of a life.

I am overwhelmed with gratitude for this man that bore all my shame, sin, and every wrong doing I have committed and all the yuck that has been committed against me.

The days can be dark.

They can be so dark it is hard to see that any light could even seize to exist inside of you.

The days can be surrounded by light.

Light that permeates to the very core of our being.

Here is the thing; I am so tired of this superficial surface living.  

I know there is something more, something more He is offering us.

  I no longer want to give God the parts that I see fit for Him; I want to give Him ALL of me.

I haven’t always felt this way in fact I have spent the majority of my life only offering God what I thought He would like to see.

It’s weird how that can happen.

  I know He already can see the parts I refused to give to Him but I still do it. 

 Maybe the truth is I don’t want to admit they are really still there. 

 It’s hard to face the parts of ourselves that our broken. 

 They are the parts we try to hide from. 

 We stuff them as far back into the recesses of our hearts as we possibly can, hoping they won’t EVER show there face AGAIN. 

Let’s just be honest it can be a whole lot easier to face the days if those parts stay hidden, right?

But eventually they begin to seep out.

They begin to pierce us. 

Why do I say this? 

 I have been there and it remains fresh in my mind.

It is not an easy place to be. 

It feels dark and cold and you feel alone. 

  I started thinking the other night of how sad it actually is when we hid parts of ourselves. 

How can we experience ALL that Jesus has to offer us if we aren’t willing to live exposed to Him.

What can begin to happen when we our willing to bring it ALL to Him?

  ALL the brokenness, mess, beauty, shame, happiness, disappointment, struggles, and doubts. 

 

What if we refused to stuff it back in the recesses of our hearts? 

 Instead we opened wide the very gates that keep this area guarded and let his love and light permeate ALL of our soul.

Instead of living on the surface we decided to live more connected and raw.

It is scary no doubt. 

 The very thought of it still makes a part of me want to crawl in a hole and hide.  But I refuse to anymore; it feels too good to live in His light.  The darkness can no longer win where there is light.

Even in the light the days can begin to get dark, but what is so neat is you begin to learn how to remain in the light and you watch the darkness begin to get dimmer and dimmer.  It no longer can win, it no longer controls. 

 Instead of sheltering the pain you begin to leave it exposed. 

ALL of you with Him

He has conquered it ALL.

His light can radiate through the darkest of dark.

There is nothing we can bring to Him that He doesn’t already know about.  

Today I am thankful for not only the days when the light radiates all the beauty, but even more I am thankful for the dark.  It was in the dark that God began to show me that His love for me is too GREAT to let me stay and live there.  

Thank you for continuing to teach me to be thankful in ALL circumstances.

If you feel like you are surrounded by the dark now I encourage you and am praying that you will continue to expose ALL of yourself.  Don't continue to bury it deep in the heart but open it up and expose it to the light.  I know it is scary but don’t forget He is there with you and if you allow Him He will help you break free and break through to something so beautiful.

 Romans 6:11-14

In the same way, count yourselves dead to sin but alive to God in Christ Jesus.  Therefore do not let sin reign in your mortal body so that you obey its evil desires.  Do not offer any part of yourself to sin as an instrument of wickedness, but rather offer yourselves to God as those who have been brought from death to life; and offer every part of yourself to him as an instrument of righteousness.  For sin shall no longer be your master, because you are not under the law, but under grace.

Romans 12:12

Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.

Fill me up – Jesus Culture

You provide the fire
And I’ll provide the sacrifice
You provide the Spirit
And I will open up inside

Fill me up, God
Fill me up,God
Fill me up, God
Fill me up

Love of God overflow
Permeate all my soul

Heaven

 Revelation 21:1-4

Then I saw “a new heaven and a new earth,” for the first heaven and the first earth had passed 

away, and there was no longer any sea.  I saw the Holy City, the new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride beautifully dressed for her husband.  And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, “Look! God’s dwelling place is now among the people, and he will dwell with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God.  ‘He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death’ or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.”

I have spent a good portion of my adult life in fear over what heaven is going to be like. 

 May sound silly to you but to me it has permeated fear to the very core of my heart.

Of course I know it is going to radiate more beauty than I have ever experienced in this lifetime but I still find myself stuck wondering what that looks like.

I know it will be all about that wonderful man who gave his life for me so I could live unchained and free from sin.

Without sin

Is that even possible to envision in this sin stained body of mine?

Imagine your best moment you have ever experienced and sit there for a while letting your mind travel back to that moment…… isn’t it amazing to know that heaven will be so much more than that.

It is hard for me to grasp

Let me just be straight forward with you about my biggest fear that has stuck with me up until recently. 

What if in heaven I don’t know my husband or my daughters. 

I just can’t imagine the happiest place I have ever known without knowing them. 

This might sound a little morbid but if something where to happen to me and I missed them growing up into the beautiful woman God created them to be knowing I will never know  them in heaven does not sound joyful or happy to me.  I cant imagine only being able to see them but not experience a connection to them in heaven.

After all we were created to connect with each other.  Not be or live apart from each other.

Genesis 2:18

¹⁸ The Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.”

 

Genesis 2:25

²⁵ Adam and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame.

Before we chose sin God made us perfect for each other.  Adam was not good alone so God gave him a wife. 

Why would a loving God create a heaven where the very people he created us to connect with here on earth are no longer connections in Heaven.

I just don’t know about this place called heaven

Last week I listened to this absolute beautiful sermon from Pete Wilson of Crosspoint Church in Nashville Tennessee.  He talks about this place called heaven.  Let me tell you I felt so much peace after listening to this sermon. 

 First off let me just say this I am not saying He is accurate on his speculation of what heaven is going to be like, in fact nobody knows fully until they meet Jesus face to face.  But he really paints a beautiful and scripture filled view of heaven.

He portrays heaven as being so much more than I ever let myself believe.

 

  It may not be this way but I feel such a sense of peace after listening to it. 

 If you have 30 minutes to listen to an online sermon go to Crosspoint tv on the left you can click on the message that will allow you to watch or listen to sermons online.  It will bring you to another page it is under the series cover to cover and it is the last video in that series #5.

 I highly recommend it.  

Some people want to argue with me that Heaven is just about worshiping God I think that is a major part of what heaven is going to be about, but they want to position it as if it is just about worshiping God its not going to be about getting to see your grandparents again, hanging out with friends and people you did life with. I'll be honest I completely disagree with that I think it is a lame attempt to sound really spiritual --Pete Wilson

Can you imagine life without the fear that it is going to end? --Pete Wilson

Anyways

We live in a sin stained world.  This world was created to be so much more beautiful than it is. 

 Why? 

  It was never meant for corruption and sin.  We are cursed by sin, but one day we will no longer be cursed by sin.

Revelation 22:3

 "No longer will there be any curse.  The throne of God and of the Lamb will be in the city, and His servants will serve Him."

We have been hiding in shame ever since Adam and Eve chose sin.  

  There is emptiness inside all of us as we all yearn for so much more, longing to feel whole again. 

One day this constant struggle will end.
 Sin will lose and love will prevail.

I will not know what heaven is like until I am there, but I know it is a place where love triumphs every time.  

Our souls long to be in such beauty.

No more shame.

Have you ever listened to the song “Did you hear the mountains tremble”? 

 Ah this song makes me long for my Savior and the place He is preparing for all those who seek after His truth.

I refuse to be held back in fear over what heaven is going to look like anymore. 

 It is going to be everything I was created for. 

 Absolutely beautiful!!

Just think one day we will all be united again under His truth!  

We will no longer look at each other and see these bodies that are flawed by sin, instead we will know what it is like to look at each other without judgment.

You will see me for everything I was created to be, so much more than this sin filled body can give me.

Until then....

Leap with me into the unknown leaving fear in the past and running towards the place He is preparing for us.

John 14: 1-4

 “Do not let your hearts be troubled. You believe in God; believe also in me. My Father’s house has many rooms; if that were not so, would I have told you that I am going there to prepare a place for you?  And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am.  You know the way to the place where I am going.”

Here we see that God your moving a time of jubilee is coming, when young and old return to Jesus, fling wide you heavenly gate prepare the way for the risen Lord

---Did you feel the mountains tremble, Martin Smith

Change can be hard.....but reach out and hold on!

Galatians 5:1

It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.

Life is such a magnificently beautiful journey!

 

A while back I told you how I felt God was calling me to live in the deep with Him.  

 The deep is right where I found myself for many months, although it felt like a half century.

Here is a small portion of that post….

Living in the Deep

  It’s easy to surrender and trust when your feet are warm in the sand and the walls around your heart are just high enough to keep the bad out, isn’t it?

 But not so easy when you are fighting for air in the deep and the waves are just about to engulf you.  The very walls you have built to feel safe are beginning to crumble.

 It is then when you feel as if you have sunk and the waves have taken over.

The walls we build around our hearts to protect ourselves, can be the very walls God wants to break down to free you from a life of “safe” to a surrendered life of trust in Him completely!

As I think back to this time in my life I am reminded of the feeling of absolute fear that flowed throw every aspect of my body. 

 I’m not talking a healthy fear either; I’m talking the kind of fear that cripples a spirit.  I felt so out of control and it had me panicking.

During this time I decided to go and see a wonderful Christian counselor who helped me sort out my thoughts.  

 She helped me to recognize where a lot of my fears and anxiety stemmed from.   

She encouraged me to open up a lot of past wounds from childhood and walk through it so I could put emotion to the very things I suppressed to keep myself safe.

  The interesting thing about this process is I really thought I had moved past all of that yuck and I was bigger than the things that happened to me back then.

This was not an easy process, actually it was really scary.  

 I felt as if everything around me could just disappear in an instant as if it was a fragment of my imagination. 

I remember there would be times when this overwhelming feeling would come out of nowhere and make me feel as if everything around me was not real. 

 I felt so disconnected with reality as if I was stuck somewhere else.

I read a book about growing up in an addicted home and in this book they explain that children that grow up in an addicted/dysfunctional home can experience post traumatic syndrome.

This was so great to hear because it was exactly what I felt.

 I felt like I was back there, back where the fear was real and I was in survival mode.

The walls we build around our hearts to protect ourselves, can be the very walls God wants to break down to free you from a life of “safe” to a surrendered life of trust in Him completely!

God was showing me the very walls that kept me safe as little girl  where the walls that kept me bound up in chains as an adult and where holding me back from experiencing the total freedom, love and grace He has for me.

I share this with you because change is hard.

  It is a place most of us don’t want to walk because it hurts.

So we hide.

Bury it deep in hopes it won’t return.

We ask God to take it away so we can move past it and I do believe He does take it away at times.  But I also believe He is after a changed heart and a renewed mind. 

 We live in a society that tells us if you are experiencing pain there is a quick fix for that. 

Just package it in a pretty box throw a bow on it and you will be ok.  

Put on your mask and continue on, right?

Might work for a while, but there may come a day when He is calling you to look deeper.

 

Break down walls that radiate safe in your heart but speak bondage to your loving Savior.

If you find yourself face to face with the deep I pray that you will seek His face and trust that even though you may feel like you are losing control He is in more control than you can fathom.  

 He is holding onto you with a steadfast love and He refuses to let go.

Hang on and know there is something magnificently beautiful waiting on the other side. 

Truth

Love

Freedom

Hope

Grace

Mercy

Peace

Jesus isn’t after perfection He is after your heart. 

 He is waiting for you to let go of what you are holding so tight to and reach out and let Him take hold.

Galatians : 13-18

You, my brothers and sisters, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the flesh; rather, serve one another humbly in love.  For the entire law is fulfilled in keeping this one command: “Love your neighbor as yourself.”  If you bite and devour each other, watch out or you will be destroyed by each other.  So I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh.  For the flesh desires what is contrary to the Spirit, and the Spirit what is contrary to the flesh. They are in conflict with each other, so that you are not to do whatever you want.  But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under the law.